Grade Whenever I Can Be Bothered to Post Anything

[3:24:12 AM] taylor-stinson: YO NO SONO AIR
[3:24:23 AM] Eric Stewart: SONO AIR
[3:24:24 AM] taylor-stinson: SONO AIR
[3:24:32 AM] taylor-stinson: Well done stewart
[3:24:48 AM] Eric Stewart: Taylor the shift key on this keyboard is crapping out
[3:24:51 AM] Eric Stewart: i demand a refund
[3:25:25 AM] taylor-stinson: Well then
[3:25:39 AM] taylor-stinson: as soon as you pay me actualy money for the keyboard
[3:25:55 AM] taylor-stinson: I will give you an actual refund
[3:26:05 AM] Eric Stewart: I paid you 10 bucks for the keyboard and mouse
[3:26:13 AM] Eric Stewart: BITCH
[3:26:33 AM] taylor-stinson: BITCH
[3:26:50 AM] taylor-stinson: I'm all the way in toronto what are you gonn do about it?
[3:27:01 AM] Eric Stewart: send you a beating in the mail
[3:27:06 AM] Eric Stewart: CANADA POST MOTHERFUCKER
[3:27:10 AM] Eric Stewart: ERRY DAY THEY'RE DELIVERIN
[3:28:12 AM] taylor-stinson: expcept you know sunday
[3:28:21 AM] taylor-stinson: bitcj
[3:28:21 AM] Eric Stewart: that's the lord's day stinson
[3:28:29 AM] taylor-stinson: FUCK THE LORD'S DAY
[3:28:52 AM] taylor-stinson: Right in the ear

Grade 12

Taylor: "Rowing's mostly about the legs, anyways. You know which team won gold at the Olympics for rowing. Jamaica."
Me: "Because they run fast...?"
Taylor: "Well I don't actually know. But like Jamaica, and other landlocked countries."

Eric: "I prefer adventurers."
Kuhn: "I prefer dicks."

"Western philosophy is based on Platon. How do you say it in English? Platoon?"
-Mme Kunstmann

"I give up. I'm just going to do my French summative on how much I want to fuck Jean-Paul Sartre."
-Maleika

"Okay, so in real life, surprise kissing never works. Because kissing is like choreography. And it would be like a choreography of surprise! With mouths! TWO mouths!"
-Noble


"She's bi! She wants his dick! She wants it fried up and served with butter!"
-Rafia


(Re: a satirical article)
"Why go to the club for the WUBWUBWUB when you can get the rub from your mom?"
-Alex R.

"What does the acorn in the College Board logo mean?"
"They're hoarding knowledge for the winter."
-Julia, Alex R.

"My sons listen to this crazy radio station... Hot 89.9... so when I hear them walking around the house saying 'I'm sexy and I know it'? Let me tell you..."
-Mr. Hodgson

(Reading Old AP exam essays)
"He didn't use a period!"
"That Sonofabitch! How dare he be allowed to write the AP exam!"
-Henry, Mr. Hodgson

"Is Booty Nipple Tape, or is Booty Booty?"
"Wait, are we talking about Small Nipple Tape, or Big Nipple Tape?"
-A Cappies room conversation best consigned to the dustbin of history

"Noble? That's my dude!"
-Noble

Josh: "What's the law of supply?"
Daniel: "Pretty much the law of demand, except with 'supply' instead of 'demand'."

Josh: "Passover's okay, really."
Christine: "But what about the bread?"
Taylor: "But you get delicious lamb instead, because Jesus was the lamb of Christ!"

"To use a technical word. Term. Phrase. Word. Phrase. 'Yukky'. Never mind."
-Mr. Grose

"I've got gonads on the brain. It's very exciting."
-Ms. Engel

Noble: "Ms. Whitfield, will you follow me?" [on Twitter]
Ms. Whitfield: "NO. In whatever context, I will in absolutely no way ever follow you."

"But parking safely isn't something you're so concerned about if you're like this fellow and his friends, Lazy Laframboise and the gang!"

-French driving instructor

Ms. Whitfield: "Who can tell me about REM?"

Chris: "Ooh, I can! They're an alt rock band from the 1980s out of Georgia..." (proceeds to detail their exploits at length)

Noble: "Wow, Chris, you seem to know a lot about bad music."

Maddy (quoting the Suburban All-Stars, JUST FOR THE RECORD): "I'm going to fuck you in the ass in a bathroom.

In a PUBLIC bathroom.

Not like your private home bathroom where there's a shower for you to clean yourself.

I want you to clean yourself off with 7-11 stock brand toilet paper.

I want you to clean off my dick with a toilet seat cover."

Kuhn: "Tell me next time you have a job interview so I can show your prospective employer this excerpt. And in so doing, have you banned from all jobs, from now until the end of time."

AND NOW - A brief moment with Mr. Hodgson in EWC4UR

(Re: Nerf gun attack)
"From behind, Henry! Good God!"
- Mr. Hodgson

"If Abe Lincoln had gone on like that, you would have gone to find the nearest bridge saying 'Damn,I'm really sad.'"
- Mr. Hodgson

"There's nothing quite like getting a letter in the mail. Not a bill though - those are depressing and make me drink"
-Mr. Hodgson

"I will sit here and pout! Impress me."
-Mr. Hodgson

"You can write about a drunk stumbling home -I'm sure many of you can relate to that"
- Mr. Hodgson


"'Imma bust a cap in your ass' seems to be the default ghettoism for revenge"
-Mr. Hodgson

"My bathroom is immaculate, behold my toilet!"
-Mr. Hodgson
-----

"Noble is a conglomeration of urban idioms"
-Roy

"I challenge you to wombat combat!"
- Alex R.

"Your new dress makes you look like that...animated bunny lady from that detective movie thing."

-Uh...thanks, Dad?

"These are well-known French filmmakers! Not like...I don't know, like the guy who made Jurassic Park."
-Kunstmann

"C'est pas que je me fiche de vos opinions, mais..."
-Mme Kunstmann. I'm including this one because of the following quote, which was collected last year:
"Vos idées--excusez-moi--je m'en fiche!"

Whitfield: "We're having a guest speaker coming in tomorrow. I won't tell you her name just yet, but she's an independent poet living in the Glebe."
Liam: "Should I maybe find Noble and tell him that class is going to be in the library?"
Whitfield: "That's a good idea. And then maybe put something shiny in there for him to find and play with. Also, Luca, I would seriously suggest that you not come to class tomorrow."
Luca: "Really?"
Whitfield: "Absolutely."

Josh: "I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'!'"
Kuhn: "You put the 'pun' in 'punching Josh in the face'."

• 
  

  (paraphrased Facebook conversation)

  Christine: "Guys, don't watch The Woman in Black. I'm crying it's so scary [...] I've screamed twice so far, and I generally don't scream."

  Daniel: "You're scared by the stone angels, I can't imagine it takes that much to make you scream."

  Josh: "Don't have too many nightmares."

  Daniel: "I think it's a little too late for that."

  Christine: "Fuck you, Daniel."

  Julia Wilson: "Daniel, be nice. And add me on Facebook!"

  Daniel: "No thanks."

  
  

  "Vic Toews is on my list of people who, in a purely utilitarian society, should receive a death sentence for crimes against net happiness."

  -Alex R.

  
  

  "Check out all this fucking tuna fish I brought! Ah, wait. I got a shit ton of cold cuts."

  -Some Outdoor Ed-er

  
  

  (after I got to class to find...flowers-ish on my desk and Noble grinning)

  "Maddy, I can do things for you that Eric can't! Like steal the greenery around the rose bushes at city hall!"

  
  

  "You spent $5 on a secret person? Just tell her you like her, Dude!"

  -Clive

  
  

  Whitfield: "No, Noble."

  Noble: "But I got you lollipops!"

  Which apparently taste like BUTT!"

  "Eh-yeahhh...I gave one to Mr. Turner. He didn't get it. He thinks I like him or something."

  
  

  "I'm going to teach you how to stalk someone legally."

  -Ms. Whitfield

  
  

  Maddy: "'Taken'? Is that the one where the kid gets stolen and Angelina Jolie's in it?"

  Eric: "No, you're thinking of 'Womb Raider'."

  
  

  "man I`m inda screwed for this enlglish essay"

  -Taylor
  
  
  "He's like some kind of stalker. Oh wait, he isn't like some kind of stalker. He is a stalker."
  -Kate

• "Oh well, pedophilia has its ups."
  -Martin
  
  
  
  
  "I'm a registered psychopath; don't worry."
  -Owen
• 
  


"Woah, this pen has a cap on it!"
-Amy N.




"Mr. Meng is a wall vertically, and Mr. Ruff is a wall horizontally. If you put them together, you get...Mr. Findlater."
-Bridget
• 
  


"Lisgar is more well known for its 'academics' or whatever."
-Ian Martin




"What is the opposite of Asian?"
"Caucasian."
-Amy N., Argos




"We keep talking about Stephen Harper like he's a real person."
-Ms. Whitfield




"No, he's vegan. That's worse than vegetarian."
-Ms. Asselstine




"The testicles and penis get bigger...if you're male."
-Ms. Jarvis




Ms. Jarvis: "Guys laugh at just about anything."
Daniel: "Heh. Heh."
Ms. Jarvis: "Like that."




"If you have a cold sore and you're performing oral sex, use a flavoured condom."
"Does it have to be flavoured, miss?"
-Ms. Jarvis, Justin L.




"Metrosexual to me means having sex on a subway."
-Ms. Whitfield




*Talking about state colours.*
"What colour is Canada?"
-Emma J.
• 
  


*Talking about the Toronto school board's ban on balls.*
"So what will they do at recess?"
"I dunno...Drugs?"
-Daniel, Ms. Whitfield




"Stats is very slow on the plug 'n' chug stuff. Wait. Let me rephrase that."
-Ms. Lee




"Good afternoon, losers! What are you doing in my classroom today?"
-Catherine, imitating Mr. Turner's unique teaching style
• 
  


"When someone cheats, I turn into Mr. Tang. I slap it down on the desk and say 'What is this crap?' Then there's crying and I laugh. Then I give them paper cuts and squeeze lemon juice on them."

-Ms. Whitfield


"Ho ho ho. You'll never know my middle name."
-Mark Bodo Meng


(Masa is trying to convince Mr. Turner that he learns through osmosis.)
Turner: "In the last presidential campaign, candidates spent over $1 billion on advertisements."
(pause)
Masa: "See, if you asked me a question about the lesson right now, I could totally answer it."
Turner: "Okay then. In the last presidential campaign, how much did candidates spend on advertisements?"
Masa: "...wasn't this something we worked on yesterday?"


Masa: "I don't have any sensation in my nipples!"
Mr. Turner: "You're better when you're asleep."


"Text Alex R., and tell him that if he doesn't get to school in half an hour, Ms. Hammond is going to hunt him down."
-Ms. Hammond


Noble: "Awesome, Al Gore! I love Al Gore!"
Mr. Turner: "Okay then, who is Al Gore?"
Noble: "Uhh...he was that guy in the movie!"


(presenting)
"He was very chaste. He never had sex. Well okay, except for his kids, but he never did it for fun!"
-Chris


Maleika: "Wait. Was John Milton actually a prophet."
Chris: "Yeah, but in an English class sort of way."


"That's pretty darn tolerant, is it not?"
"Okey-doke!"
"There's no Alex Trebek. I'm Alex Trebek."
-Mr. Meng amuses me so much


Ms. Engel: "Closed populations are really rare. Can anyone give me an example of how a closed population could occur? Something like lakes or remote islands or something like the penguins...?
Someone: "NORTH KOREA!"


Ms. Wick: "Now, what does the red colour the Handmaids wear represent?"
Christian: "...Popping cherries?"

"It's like carpal tunnel... in my ass..."
- Christine

"Sexiness comes from the inside ... from your abs"
- Hadi

(reading a heading)
"Fucktions of fairy tales...when we think of fairy tales, we think of the Disney virgins!"
-Ms. Whitfield


(during attendance)
"Mr. Stitt's my nigga! He says he doesn't like me, but he's lyin' cause he's my boy!"
Substitute teacher: "Let me take a wild guess...are you Noble?"
Noble (bewildered): "Yo, how did he know?!"


Turner: "Up until 1929, women in Canada weren't considered 'persons'."
Kuhn: "Ahh, the good old days."


Some History Person: "I wish we were doing Immanuel Kant, but..."
Xiang: "It Kant be helped!"
(and then Mr. Meng did his trademark "ho ho ho")


Masa: "Why do I always choose the right answer, but say it wrong?"
Turner: "So what you mean is, why do you always choose the wrong answer?"


(about some quote)
"Wow this makes me look like even more of an asshole than usual."
-Kuhn


"You? A communist?! Lenin's rolling in his grave, Roy!"
-Mr. Turner


(grad picture)
"Seb looks like he's Forrest Gump or something..."
-Melina


Noble: "My uncle's very rich. He's a criminal!"
Turner: "Go home, Noble!"


(about Christine)
"She can bite my wrist, but she can never bite me spirit! (bites him) Ahh, my spirit!"
-Kuhn


Madi: "I showed Mitchell The Quotebook. I think he found the Hitler jokes tasteless."
Josh: "Really, tasteless? Just like everything else on The Quotebook!"


"And if they win, their parents get a million dollars for them when they're older. A school fund, like an RRSVP."
-Subhah


"Are you smooth and slippery when you go into the water?"
-Julie


"They make me think about my colon, which grosses me out."
-Kate on semi-colons


"One day, we should tie Jenny to something and push her off a cliff. Oh wait. She wouldn't fall, because she would be tied to something."
-Mark


"We'll save procrastination 'til last."
-Ms. Whitfield


"What is Hitler's last name?"
-Anonymous (Imma guess Taylor? -M)


"I'm going to represent variance by my hands moving."
-Ms. Asselstine


"In Ottawa, you can't have one beer, or one glass of wine, or two beers, or two glasses of wine, without falling over drunk and pissing on the war memorial."
-Turner

"Environmentalists! We don't care about them when we RAPE the planet for oil!"
-Mr. Turner

"You know what I just realized? Hitler must have had a pretty terrible birthday in 1945."
-Charlotte WHY ARE THERE SO MANY HITLER JOKES

"Can you put the parabolas and stuff away? They're making me sad."
-Mr. Meng
Also:
"DBQs are the cat's meow!"

(about pedophiles at kids' beauty pageants)
"This might be a legitimate means for you to get your jollies!"
-Roy

"Leonardo DiCaprio could be playing Hitler, and he'd STILL be hot!"
-Rafia (It just occurred to me that this site has rather a lot of Hitler jokes. Not surprised in the least.)

Mr. Meng: "Who wants to do Adam Smith?"
Xiang: "Meeeeeee! Shoddy shoddy shoddy shoddy shoddy!"

(about Hamlet)
"Oh, I get it! He's like Hitler!"
-Anna

"A...a computerized game that you sort of dance to?"
-My dad, on what he thinks a Wii is

"Um. Don't you just hate it when your g-string breaks?"
-Mr. Meng

"I didn't learn anything from grades 1-6. I could have just stayed home"
"And watched educational videos?"
"Yeah, Philipino movies to learn Spanish"
-Kirk, Jillian

"I have a calendar for caring"
-Moe

"I'll go to therapy and be like 'I don't like the sun. Help me.'"
-Ms. Whitfield

"Maybe the inside of my nose just smells like a bakery..."
-Ms. Whitfield

"The portable is really unprepared for Jurassic Park type situations. Velociraptors? They don't care if the curtains are closed. They'll bust through the windows anyway. Hey, Max. Are you willing to be the lawyer who gets eaten first and distracts the dinos while the rest of us escape?
"No! Look at me - I'm precious!"
"Yeah it's okay. We'll use Ms. Wick."
-Eric, Max

"Oh Romeo! Oh Juliet! Laaaame."
-Ms. Whitfield

"Some of you are throwing around semi-colons like confetti!"
-Ms. Whitfield

Christian Angel: "I think the poem's a metaphor for a negative viewpoint on marriage."
Ms. Wick: "You think he's dying because he's getting married?"
Eric: "He has marriage cancer."

"Does Stephen Hawking think in a robot voice too?"
-Josh...


(proudly) "Everything is comin' up Taylor!"
-Who else but the Stinson himself?


"I know a woman who works at a legal aide clinic...this story is probably confidential information, but whatever."
-Rafia


"I'm going to run home and hand out candy to small children. Except this time, I won't be doing it in exchange for sexual favours."
-Alex R.


(listening to 'Time Warp')
"What is this? Is it from Star Wars?"
-Hana


(about the AP history exam open questions)
"You're anticipating having to jump for the bar when actually, you're going to trip over it."
-Zach Comeau


"What have we got, a Mr. Gender Bender over here?"
-Roy


"Well, the Air Force is pretty sexy."
-Mr. Turner


"I NEED to put my dick in something!"
-Kuhn


"You know what? Homosexuality. Yeah, that's for us."
-Taylor (so very out of context)

Martin: "There hasn't ever been a reported botched circumcision by a Jew." [this is absolutely wrong, for the record]
Kuhn: "Well yeah, if Rabbi Cohen accidentally cuts off Dave Schmulder's...I'm just saying, he's not going around telling everyone about it!"

Alex: "Childbirth kills. I mean, just look at what happened to Padme Amidala!"
(silence)
Kuhn: "This is why people think you're in Space Sim!"

"Blessed are the homeless, for they shall occasionally be given nickels."
-Alex

(Roy is talking about how people are generally attracted sexually to their same-sex best friends)
"Oh my God, are we living in Taylor's mind?"
-Maleika

"I'd rather have a serial killer on my back than a Best Buy employee. Except maybe Josh."
-Alex R.

(innocently) "Oh, are you Jewish, Martin?!"
-Maleika

Mr. Turner: "You're much more likely to say you're a freedom fighter than a terrorist at a cocktail party. Unless it's an odd kind."
Alex R.: "A molotov cocktail party, amirite?"

"Calvinists? Lutherans? They're all friggin' devil-worshippers as far as I'm concerned!"
-Mr. Meng

Mr. Turner: "Football's a religion in the US...right up there along with God and...whatever."
Alex R.: "Bombing Arabs?"

"Hi. Obviously I'm not Mr. Turner. I'm Mr. Beard. I have a beard. You can make any joke you want, I've heard them all."
-Mr. Beard (he has a beard, for the record)

Mr. Meng: "So, because your mom wrote Little Masa a note saying that you're late--again--I should forgive you?"
Masa: "Well, she--"
"No."
"But she said please!"
"Well she should have said 'Pretty pretty please, Master Meng'!"

"Hey there Christine! Oh, I mean Taylor."
-Yasmin. Oh, I mean Eric.

[A confused group of grade nine boys comes down to the basement. They look around the hall before finally asking]: "Ummmm...is there actually a pool down here?"

"I entirely agree with what you're saying, but I think your point is so obvious that I didn't bother mentioning it."
-Hipster Martin

(trying to tell an anti-joke) "Chuck Norris walks down the street with a raging erection. No people survive. [cricket noises] None."
-Taylor

Taylor: "You people can't eat pears!"
Josh: "Yes we can!"
Taylor: "No, they're cloven-hoofed!"

"Isn't it funny that this group is all missing? It's like a dark hole...the dark continent of Africa [thinks] Um, maybe not."
ALSO
"We should keep Maddy away from the Africans."
-Mr. Meng

"Taylor could pass as a lady-boy."
-Thomas

"Yo, I was at this totally sick party last night, and this girl was totally vibing me." -Ms. Whitfield


"Who bleeping cares what your IQ is? Did I just say that out loud?" -Ms. Asselstine


"Who's Kevin?"
*The guy sitting directly in front of her raises his hand and waves.*
-Leah Zhao


"Mr. Ruff can go from the size of a fridge to the size of a full building. I'm sure he could kill me with one of his calves" -Ms. Whitfield.

"My bad habit is that when I'm singing in my band I look close to death.... Hey! Don't agree with me!"
-Owen

Janan: "I don't like cooked apples. Cold is fine though"
Joelle: "So cold apple pie?"
Colin: "No, that's still cooked you idiot"

"Isn't one year here on earth like 50 000 000 000 out in space?"
-Joelle

"According to men of science, the Kansas prairie is actually flatter than a pancake."
-Eric

"Is Nick not coming to class because he killed himself after doing the announcements?"
-Alex S.

"The guy in the pictures is holding a hoe. H-O-E - not the hip-hop slang..."
-Ms. Wick

"Actually, Eric's not a huge detractor of Ayn Rand--I fucking hate the bitch."
-Taylor

Kate: "What's the matter?"
Maddy: "Taylor can't figure out what an English horn is."
Kate: "He should just ask Max Besner!"
Taylor: "No, I'm worried, he'd just show us his English horn..."

"You can't have a pizza without dough. It'd be like soup or something."
-Luca

(to Maddy) "You had that tone in your voice that you usually only reserve for me joking about not paying my taxes."
-Kuhn

"I was once again reminded today in math class that I am a drug dealer."
-Daniel

"Although it's not necessary, it's absolutely required."
and
"Yeah, I'm a TROPHY!"
-Masa (these quotes sponsored by the EMC)

(over announcements)
"If anybody's found a black iron ring that says on it...'Am--amees', uhhh, 'Amees--ameess puur lavee'.. Oh, it's French or something."
-Jack

"So here we have da Vinci, who was primarily interested in, um, everything."
-Mr. Meng

Kuhn (assaulting Daniel, as is his wont): "You see, young Josh told me 'You can't diss it until you try it!' "
Josh: "That was about putting mustard on poutine!"

(about Thatcher and Reagan)
Mr. Meng: "He took a page out of her book."
Masa: "The EVIL page!"

"God, this is English class, not words class."
-Kuhn

?: "You don't have an excuse for this!"
Kuhn: "Yes I do! I'm negligent!"

"Yo, did you hear that scientists have discovered this star that's made completely out of diamond? Actually, it's just one massive diamond. It's a super-mutherfucking-mega-diamond."
-Taylor

"If you don't do your homework, it's your choice: you're choosing not to succeed. That being said, I will still call your parents and have a little chat with them about it."
-Hammond

(about a picture of an old store with the name "O.S. Moore" on it that we're analyzing)
"Well, it's most likely Irish. I mean, that would explain why the proprietor seems to be named...[squints]...O'Smoore."

(fumbling with field trip change)
"I'm trying to pay with only nickels..."
-Vincent

"Rock 'n' roll is about sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll."
-Mr. Turner

(roll call on first day)
Hammond: "'Martin Lunn'. So do you go by...?"
Martin: "Oh, 'Marty'. Why not?"

"If you have a serious problem with you seat...and by that I DON'T mean being far away from your friend so you can't talk to them...or...not liking sitting near the door or something.
-Ms. Hammond

"So Mr. Harriz controls his class using guilt-trips?"
"Yes."
"Wow, with all that guilt you must feel like a Catholic!"
-Ms. Whitfield

(While talking about the Mile-High Club)
"Well, there are other places to have sex on a plane, Yasmin. For instance; the plane has a cockpit, which you also have, coincidentally."
- Alexandre D. Rochon

Mmm, More Leftovers

But not for me and my post-wisdom teeth pain.

I don't have too many leftovers this year, but J, J, and J can feel free to edit all they want.

Ms. Asselstine: "It's really hot in here!"

Mr. Arrigo: "Only since you came in."

Sisi: "Oh, you smile so sweetly, Señora!"

Señora: "That's because I'm not going to be seeing you next year!"

"Hey, so this is [insert historical place here]
In [year] this happened
In [year], the [racial group A] did [something assholeish] to [racial group B]
In [year] this happened
In [year] this happened
Franco is a tool"

-Spanish tour guides, apparently

(about "J-Dog")

"I know that his death is a really huge

deal, but he did a lot of great stuff (according to the Bible, which

leaves out his soccer and hockey career)."

-Eric

"Me - my pants + tacky underpants with hearts on them = your misguided belief that I am the least bit sentimental when I am in fact always clad in cold hard jeans of logic."

AND

"I am indeed colorful and exuberant, vibrant and vivacious, patterned yet unpredictable, distinct while diversiform, multifarious and manifold, scintillating and so on."

-Qingyang, who is quite possibly all of these things :D

GRADE 11

Why are people so quotable? Find out now!
CTRL-F your name! Also, feel free to make suggestions :
We enjoy laughing at (and occasionally with) our peers and we know you do too.

(upon seeing Josh's new haircut)

"Oh God, Josh, the Holocaust is now the second worst thing to have happened to your people!"

-Kuhn

"Ladies...mount aboard...Mt. Jonacock!"

-Who else...but Jonathan McGarry

"You are ripping my hair out by the follicles!"

-Josh

Mr. Stitt: "Yeah, Mr. Derry must be getting close to 70..."

Jacob: "Sir, Mr. Derry turned 70 two hundred years ago!"

(Martin's law presentation)

Martin (really aggressively): "WHAT IS A MEDICAL PRACTITIONER?"

Maleika: "Let me guess...a person...who practices...medicine?"

Martin: "YOU'D THINK THAT, BUT NO!"

Maleika: "Oh God, my life is a lie!"

(to Taylor)

"You look like a reverse Guido."

-Josh

Nick (jokingly): "Swag!"

Mr. Stitt (dead seriously): "Oh no, please don't say that word..."

(looking at pictures of Ricky Martin)

"What a waste..."

-Sra. Franklin

(police presentation in law class)

*Noble walks in*

Officer Calucci (in a really bored way): "Oh hi, Noble."

Colin: "How long can you even go without Pokemon?"

Okuda: "A whole week! But I'm going into Poke-relapse this weekend..."

"I should care, but I don't!"

-Sra. Franklin

Madi: "A housecoat and an ascot? At the same time? Don't you find that's a bit déclassé?"

Mr. Stitt (confused): "No, I'm not a flasher...in the case."

"I'M GOING TO WEAR YOU AS A HAT!"

-Eric (I really wish I had an image of him "wearing" Kuhn to go along with this quote)

(to Jon and Qingyang)

"My second choice would be to separate you two physically, but then I would end up ripping your arms off."

-Arrigo

"I can't feel my legs, I'm so happy!"

-Qingyang?

Melina: "But...Troy doesn't have any walls! (*everybody disagrees*) No, I meant in the movie!"

Madi: "What if he just likes the feeling of cold steak inside his pants?!"

Mr. Stitt: "Please, go home to fulfill your fetishes!"

Josh: "You're the worst."

Taylor: "You mean I'm the worst...at being the best. (*dead silence*) (*thinks about it*) NO WAIT!"

-It's true, Taylor, you are. But we love you anyways :)

Kate (cough-laughing): "Sorry, I just had a little hairball or something."

Jon: "Oh! I had a hairball once!"

Kate: "Qingyang, remember that time you left your violin in my basement?"

Arrigo: "What was Qingyang doing in your basement?"

Kate: "Honestly, we were rehearsing!"

Arrigo: "So that's what you kids call it these days..."

Mr. Arrigo: "Where are you going, Darcie?"

Darcie: "I'M LEAVING AT 2:30 FOR A GAME!"

Arrigo: "Normally you say you're leaving at 2:30 for a dentist's appointment."

(silence)

Darcie: "Well...I'm leaving for a game."

Okuda (Sra. has just confiscated his phone): "Did you spill coffee on my phone?!"

Sra: "No, just tea."

Stefan: "That...that makes me disturbed...and aroused."

Eric: "Congratulations, Daniel, you just beat Stefan!"

"They ARE? Like, they are seeing each other? Not seeing each other in the street...Hanging out...romantically."

-Mr. St. Aubin

"If the barriers weren't there, they wouldn't exist."

-Liam

"You're older than us; you need to sit in priority seating!"

-Bridget

*Talking about fathers raping their daughters*

"Well, they're bored of farming, so..."

"So go off with a sheep! Leave your daughter alone!"

-Luca, Ms. Perry

Mr St. Aubin: "Ethanol- the devil's molecule. What is this?"

Joe: "Propanol."

Mr. St. Aubin: "And what is it used for?"

Pardh: "Vrooooom!"

"Now Steve, if I threw this stapler at your head, you would duck, right?"

-Ms. Perry

"If you are a kid, and you have a throwball snown at your head..."

-Ms. Perry

*In anthro class, Noble is trying to convince everyone that you can't critique something unless you've experienced it.*

Eric: "So you're saying that I can't critique Hitler because I haven't committed a Holocaust?"

Noble: "Yes."

Jen: "So, since you've never been white, you can't say anything about white people."

Class: "OHHHH!!!"

*Noble is silent for about a minute, then comes up with this brilliant retort, managing to refute his first point and his second with his last sentence.*

Noble: "You can't just blurt out points without defending them. Mind you, you are a woman."

"Janan, stop interrupting your friend, he's trying to present!"
"He's not my friend..."
-Mr. Stitt and Janan

"Britney Spears is the stuff of legends."

-Thomas

"Wilderack? That sounds like a stripclub!"
-Jillian

Oi, I hve moor Airrish Miusac on me lapetop then their r in eintire counti O glasgo!

-Taylor "Crusader" Stinson

"I would masturbate, but I really don't want to lose my virginity yet."
-Anonymous, for the love of god.

(unsuccessfully trying to explain why the gender of the characters in her skit kept changing)

Sisi: "No, no, she's a transexual!"

Sra. Franklin: "Well then, your mark will be transexual too. Trans-good, trans-bad!"

Chris R.: "You said you can smell B-major, and I was just wondering: if you had synesthesia AND perfect pitch, could you theoretically taste notes?"

Arrigo: "I have only two words for you: shut up."

"Yeah yeah, I'll go on in a second. I'm just waiting for Giggles McGarry and Chuckles Chen to calm down here..."

-Mr. Arrigo

(paraphrased)

"Three Lisgar students die and go to the pearly gates. The ones who were on Studco, debate club, improv, etc. don't get into heaven, but the one who was in band and nothing else does. When he asks why this is, he's told by St. Peter: 'You've had Mr. Arrigo, you've already been though hell!' "

"Nothing gets me hard like exploding babies."

-Kuhn (unsurprisingly, perhaps)

"Don't brush my shawarma!"

-Jon

"Okay, chicos, your homework is to find a good translation of this song. I don't know how."

-Sra. Franklin

"So, back to abusing Kate! Violas are really loud, and, and...awwww."

-Qinyang

"Why are the guys walking around with boxes of condoms?"

"Because they're hoping that girls will see them, think, "Ooooo, protected sex!" and have sex with them."

"I'm not sure it works that way..."

-Grace Zhang, Jen McAlister

"My mom was being an...an ambivalent and flippant bitch, pretty much."

-Some girl in the change room. I love Lisgar.

"I'm a strong, sexual woman, and if I have sex with one man or a hundred, it's nobody's business!"

-Mr. Stitt, women's rights advocate extraordinaire

"It's been proven by science, again and again, that Glebe students have only two-thirds the brain size of Lisgar students."

-Jacob

Mr. Stitt: "You know the Rolling Stones concert where they hired members of Hell's Angels and they ended up killing somebody? Well the concert after that, they hired me as a bodyguard. No, actually! They went from Hell's Angels...to Don Stitt! Pretty wild, eh?"

Daniel: "Did you meet any of them?"

Mr. Stitt: "Keith Richards fell into me on the way out."

Janan: "Sir, you probably have hepatitis C now."

(freedom of association discussion)

Nick: "What about the Hell's Angels? Why are they allowed to exist?"

Daniel L: "They're just good friends."

"I'm going to draw your attention to the final cadence: bah-dah-dah-dahhhhhh...oh sorry, that's the Final Countdown."

-Mr. Arrigo

Martin (trying to chat up Mr. Stitt): "My mom spent 8 years working towards her PhD and amalgamated numerous bills blah blah blah blah blah..."

Bridget: "Jenn told me she was a physiotherapist who worked out of her basement."

Eric: "Yusef, are you okay with us making fun of your people?"

Yusef: "Sure. They're pretty stupid."

"How would you feel if a girl paid for YOUR dinner?"
"Great! I win both ways!"
- Jacob, Mr. Stitt

-Bridget: *Points to word in book* "Jen, how do you pronounce this state?"
-Jen: "Ill-i-noy."
*A discussion of weird American state names ensues. Looking at an agenda with all the names written down.*
-Jen: "They're all just so weird! Like, what's up with the extra 'c' in Connecticut? And who actually knows how to spell Massachusetts? And some just have weird names, like Wyoming."
-Bridget: "Or Ar-kansas."
-Jen: "Ar-kansas? You mean Arkansas? Ark-an-saw."
-Bridget: "WHAT?"

"Do you want to go get a late slip?"
"No."
"Ok, have a seat... Are you sure?"
"Yeah"
-Spanish Sub, Sloshy

"Why are you rap-battling me right now?"
-Mr. Chang

"Olivia likes reading?"
"Ya, I really do. People think I'm really stupid, but I'm really not."
"Olivia, you got bored of Twilight so you SparkNotes-ed it"
-Sra Franklin, Olivia, Alex O.

"Daniel (L.), do you having anything else to add other than being a jerk?"
-Mr. Chang

"Back when Bill Clinton was sleeping with his intern..."
"They weren't 'sleeping'."
"Ok, fine. Having affairs... with their pants off."
-Mr. Chang, Daniel L.

(I have no idea how the rest of this conversation went, but the gist of it was this)

"...has nice eyes........I heard he has an eleven inch........dinner plates."

-Wacky hijinx of the basement crew, yet again.

Noble: "So you're with your boys, and you talk about women."

Jabir: "But that makes you horny..."

Liam: "We have breasts as men, too."

Alex Bromley: "But they're not as nice."

Noble: "Dyke, as in a female lesbian?"

Liam: "As opposed to the male variety?"

"I was a naughty kid; I fooled around a lot with the boys."

-Jenny Zhang

"If you're subtracting a positive, it's like...subtracting a positive."

-Mr. St. Aubin

"Were you yanking the urinal?"

*Two minutes later.*

"Please stop masturbating."

-Liam

"Girl Guides are the most hostile people on Earth?"

-Catherine

(Talking about Australian slang)

Noble: "Catherine, do you want to come over to my house and root?"

Catherine: "Definitely!"

(Look up what "root" means in Australia if you like, but you can probably guess.)

Noble: "All teen-age girls are fat-asses."

*Five minutes later.*

Noble: "Last night, I was hungry, so I ordered two pizzas."

Someone in the class: "Did you eat them both?"

Noble: "No, I only ate one and a half."

Mr. St. Aubin: "This is an ICE table."

Someone in the class: "ICE?"

Mr. St. Aubin: "Yes, ICE. ICE!...Baby"

Liam: (completely seriously) "Suck my testicles, sir!"

Mr. Stitt: COMPLETELY SILENT

Mr. St. Aubin: "Let's say you're camping, and you want to know how much propane you need to pack to heat up your cup of soup."

Kendall: "What's in our soup?"

(After the play)

Eric (to Madi): "Hey...you were incredible."

Kuhn: "SHE WAS ONE VIOLIN IN A SEA OF MANY YOU SOPPY BASTARD!"

<3

"The principal smiled once, and I almost fell over." -Christine

"Are you seriously trying to get ride of all your pent-up sexual energy by playing LIFE?" -Kate

(choosing law summative topics)

Okuda: "I wanna do sexual harassment in the workplace!"

Madi: "I BET YOU WOULD."

And then Mr. Stitt made an incredible :O face

"It's awkward playing a solo by yourself." -Luca

(Matter-of-factly) "I didn't think of you this summer because I was busy and my brain was always drunk with BOOZE." -Melina

(To a red beret and GG strangler-wearing Madi)

Jillian: "You look like some sort of Christmas grinch."

Madi: "I do."

Jillian: "It's the gloves."

Madi: "Yep. Its the gloves."

Jillian: "They're terrifying."

"...and he's catatonic which means unresponsive like a potato... or other vegetables" -Daria

"We'll go to Mars, but no one will live on March" -Madi, lost in translation.

"There is more bacteria in your mouth than living people on the planet. TAKE THAT PURELL!" -Mr. Wright

Maleika: "I heard that there is such a thing as a clapper bra."

Jillian: "Great, you can clap before the strip-tease is over"

"Alcohol is the devil's urine!" -Qinyang

Madi: "Actually, he's a diehard Liberal."

Mr. Stitt: "Well, aren't all intelligent people?"

"I'm not innocent--I know people kiss with tongue!" -Julie

Nick Rogers: "You're not a Christian, right?"

Eric: "No."

Nick: "But your girlfriend is."

Eric: "Yeah."

Karl (listening in): "Eric, don't date religious girls--they never put out!"

(picking up the telephone)

"Hello, shirtless Madeleine speaking...oh hi Bill."

I thought it was Elsa, okay?

(looking out a hotel room window in Italy; the view is of a VERY NICE back alley)

"Look at this. It's like living in the ghetto. I mean seriously, it looks like friggin' Schindler's List out there." -Kate

And then Jonah walked in and it got reeeeal awkward

"Et sur le sujet de chlamydia..." -Mme Deaton

(Ms. Crabtree comes into law to sub; near everybody awwws)

"Sorry, I think they were hoping Mr. Edwards would come in again...they think he's cute or something." -Mr. Stitt

Weikai: "You're digging us into a hole!"

Qinyang: "No, YOU dug us into a hole. I'm just...explaining the hole."

(after Mr. Arrigo has spent 15 minutes explaining what an anacrusis--a musical term meaning 'pickup'--means)

Qinyang: "What does it mean again?"

Mr. Arrigo: *sighs* "Let me put it in context for you: I go to the bar to anacrusis girls."

(silence)

Qinyang (looking absolutely horrified): "YOU GO TO BARS TO TAKE THEIR VIRGINITY?!"

(Paraphrased)

Maleika: "...so your mom's an aromatherapist?"

Martin: "No, she does acupuncture. She used to work for the government."

Maleika: "So like, government aromatherapy?"

Martin: "NO SHE'S A PHYSIOTHERAPIST."

Maleika: "She uses aroma to physio people for the government? I work for a politician, and she sent us a letter and she signed it with her name and her job and it said 'Laura Lunn, aromatherapist."

Martin: "…"

Maleika: "Sooooo...head of government aromatherapy, right?"

Martin: "NO!!!"

And may I say congratulations on a troll well done :D

Mr. Stitt: My job just didn't turn me on anymore...

(class laughs)

Mr Stitt: come on, not EVERYTHING I say is sexual!"

Janan: It's okay Mr. Stitt, my job turns me on lots too.

Nick: Janan! You work as a lifeguard at a kiddie pool!

Mr. What's-in-the-box 2 (with the garish blouse): "The theme for tonight is Kazam, which, as I'm sure you all know, is a 1993 Oscar-winning film..."

Jack (who had been talking nonstop about the goddamn movie ever since the theme had been announced): "YESSSSSSSSSS!!!"

And then everybody stared at us because he is the only person in the world who has ever liked that movie.

Madi: "Wait, how did Maleika's mom get into the theatre if she doesn't have a ticket."

Jack: "SHE'S FUCKING MAGIC."

Sra. Franklin: "Qué te molesta?" (what annoys you)

Okuda: "MY UNCLE!"

Kuhn: "HTML is the worst language EVER."

Taylor: "No, that's French."

I found this on the inside of a binder from last semester: Helpful, supportive

Voices of my friends: "Oh my God, you SUCK at math!"

(I probably wrote it during math class...)

"Don't listen to them haters, 'cause they just don't understand what awesome fap music the Guinness beer commercial is." -T-Stinz esq. esq. (allegedly)

"My lunch smells like an organic meadow..." -Kate

THE WEEKLY MR. STITT SECTION:

"I didn't want to say that...but I know MY mind's already gone there!"

"I remember the principal at Glebe saying 'no short-shorts'--now WHAT's a short-short?!"

(about his wife) "I was 21, she was 17; I was robbing the cradle then..."

"I mean, women can destroy your life. I mean, NO! They can mess up your mind and make you want to hurry back home to them like a lovesick puppy instead of traveling the world."

Mr. Stitt: "For example, if you steal a car--"

Bridget: "Ohhh, like that game, Grand Auto Theft!"

"Grade 10 health was awesome! We all would do drugs for weeks at a time!" -Melina

"Tomatoes can get cancer! That's so cuuuuuuuuute!" –Christine

"OOOH Kissing rehab!!!!!!!!" -Sisi

*The phone rings in Spanish class. Janan picks it up*

"Oh, that's me actually!"

"My wife doesn't look at me as a sex object anymore." -Mr. Stitt

Okuda: "Hey. Hey. You. Yeah, you. You're bad. You're bad." [this seems to be a new thing he's doing...]

Norhan (whispering to me) "Who is that?"

Me: "Oh, him? That's Alex Okuda."

Norhan (loudly and spontaneously): "Fuckin' midget!"

"You used to love your grandparents. You don't love them anymore because maybe they are dead." -Sra. Franklin

"It's like every criminal on CSI jacks off everywhere!" -Jacob Haldorson

"Where did the gun come from?"

"If your boyfriend's name is Rooster, he probably has a gun." -Nick

" ...naw, I meant in the hoo-hoo area."

"The WHAT?!"

"You heard me." –Taylor

"And let me tell you, I've seen a LOT of horse boners!" -Melina

"Josh came down to the basement while I was waiting and pitched 'Ghost Trick' to me, except he did it in the most Joshy-ass way possible." -Eric

'Joshy-ass' is an expression that should be used far more often, in my opinion

Taylor: "D'you guys want candy?"

Madi: "Oooh, yes! I was wondering what the sweet smell was! Fuzzy peaches?"

Taylor: "What? No, Nyquil!"

"This shirt makes me look like I have really saggy boobs." *pouts* -Josh

(on the legalities of anal sex)

Student: "More than two people? How does that work?"

Mr. Stitt: "It's called an orgy."

"That's not the only thing, but yes, pimps are a real problem." -Mr. Stitt

"There is a certain...three-ness about three which is to be understood, appreciated, and even loved." -Mr. Kroenberg

"The door opened and a strange man walked in, and I asked myself "Who is that handsome bearded man? Why, it's Mr. Meng!" -Ms. Perry

Adrienne: "So you've got no parents?"

Mr. Derry: "No...no parents."

Adrienne: "So you jumped from the head of Zeus?"

Mr. Derry: "I...AM...ZEUS!"

Sra. Franklin: "What ees anohther thing you wayyre as clothing?"

Some Guy: "Mi traje de cumpleanos!" (literal translation of 'birthday suit')

Sra: (confused) "A suit hyou wayyre on yur birthday? I buy dees dress--ees my birthday suit. Oh! Nakeeed?!

"Daniel, I don't care what Ms. McKillip-Ostrum says--BARE YOUR SHOULDERS!" *assaults him* -Kuhn

Sra. Frankin: "[What is another example of a human body part?]"

Okuda: "LOS TITIOS!"

Sra.: *ignores him* [repeats question]

Okuda: "EL CULO!"

Sra.: "El culo--THEE AHHSS"

"...des sports extremes, comme, uh, le parachuting?" -Ms. Deaton

Mr. Stitt: "Why would there be a bigger sentence against assaulting a man?"

Martin (unnecessarily loudly): "Oh my GOD, don't drop the soap, guys!" (and then there was a really awkward silence)

"Pour quelqu'un qui est un expert dans la psychologie, j'ai choisi Hannibal Lecter." -John Pfaff

Josh: "What does QED stand for?"

Stefan: "It's Latin for 'Bitch, told!' "

Kuhn: "...actually, he's pretty much right."

(Odecki Math exam) "Can this be a 100% exam??" -Sisi

"This is the first time I've taught this course, so I'm just going to go with what Mme. Kunstman has laid out."

(Quietly) "So if she jumps off a bridge..."

-Mme. Perras, Ben

(The library sensors go off) "Strip-search?" -some random kid

(Wearing his pjs, but holding his jeans)

Sisi: "Taylor, what are you doing?"

Taylor: "Putting my pants on"

Mrs. Odecki: "Whooop!"

"Vous ne passez quand même pas vos vies à dire que vous êtes Asiatiques, non? Oui?!" -Kunst

"You shouldn't teach a woman how to read because she belongs in the kitchen." -Elisha, and I'm not surprised

(Da Vinci summative) "It's one of the first studies of a human foetus...it's kinda nasty." -Dawei, maybe?

(while showing class picture of The Last Supper)

"That one over there was the one who would betray Jesus. Yes. Judas. *clears throat* He was also the black guy." -Mr. Meng

"And now we have to hear from Roy, I'm afraid..." -Ms. Perry

Ms. Perry: "Deptford is still nicer than Ottawa in January."

Eric: "Yeah, well so is Auschwitz."

"I really liked your speech. It reminded me of a guy standing in my living room telling me interesting things." -Thomas

I DON'T thirst for crave male genitalia! -Josh

(I considered just omitting the "don't" and putting ellipses in instead, but I like Josh too much. Also, I'm just a little bit worried that he's going to murder me one of these days if I keep trying to hug him/shove stuff at him/abduct his mittens)

(Madi, I fixed it for you. Get them right. Sincerely, Josh.)

(You're right, I should be able to differentiate between your thirst and your craving for male genitalia. Or lack thereof.)

Mr. Meng: "Masa, Mr. Ruff left a package for you with me."

Ryan: "Dude, it's totally your milk carton!"

Masa: *takes bag with milk carton in it* "Haha, it totally is!" *goes to throw it out*

Ryan: "No, wait, open it to make sure!"

Masa: "Hey, there's a note inside."

Mr. Meng: "Aww, that's cute! What does it say?"

Masa: " 'Grow up' "

(summative) "Without Isabella...Christopher Columbus...wouldn't have, like, gotten on a boat. With other people." -Elisha Woodtits

Dad: "So...what's the deal with Jon McGarry? Is he gay?"

Me: "I dunno...he wrote in Kate's yearbook that he was."

Dad: *snorts* "Yeah, I'm sure that went great. Did it say 'Roses are red, violets are blue, by the way, I'm totally gay now'?"

"And so he kissed her, and then they spend the night together. What did they do though?"

{silence)

"Intercourse..."

"INSEMINATION"

"bow-chicka-BANG BANG!"

(repeating herself, as if it wasn't completely obvious) "So what did they DO?"

[silence]

"They made.... anyone? They madeloooooove."

-Mme Perras and some rowdy teenagers

" I just don't understand why there are so many Dutch people in Kenya. What could they possibly have to do there?"

"Maleika... have you ever heard of the slave trade?"

-Maleika, Taylor

Fml!!!! Why do ppl tell my bf they hate the person he's dating!!!??" -Sisi's facebook status

"It's easy for teenagers to get into that 'woe is me' mindset... or the 'I'm so woe' or whatever it is these days." -Mr. Findlater quoting Down With Webster

Madi:"Can I give an example?"

Ms. Perry: " Make it a two minute one, we have another presentation."

Evan: "Actually, I'm not ready."

Ms. Perry: "Ok, go on about the Crusades then."

(After finding out that Daniel does archery)

"Do you do it for fun, or is there like, a battle?" -Amanda N.

"Is that a whale?"

"No, it's Ontario."

-Nick R., Nathan

(walking into math class having successfully impersonated Eric 15 minutes earlier and then having gotten bored and leaving because nobody was paying attention to him)

Karl: "ERIC STEWART IN DA HOUSE!"

Mr. Linesman: "Karl...you can leave now."

*silence*

Karl: "Fuck." (walks out again)

Max: "Ms. Perry, for my presentation, may a wear a silk top hat?"

Perry: "I don't really think that's necessary. It would distract from your presentation."

Max: "But I need to look spiffy!"

Perry: "Jenny and Chris are dressed very nicely today, and neither of them are wearing top hats!"

Max: "Yes, they look nice. But do they look...spiffy?"

"...it was a battle of brains, not of brawns..." -Chris Cole (For Eric's benefit :D)

(summative presentation) "So yeah, there was a lot of persecution of Jews at that time in Europe, because of the Black Death. Also, you know how they're really good with money...?" -Dawei

"Alright, pants time!" -Christine

"Charlotte, you are SO easy to fuck with!" -My mum, speaking naught but the truth

(after a really hard world history unit test)

"Sir...just never do this again. I beg you. Never. Again." –Luca

(and then Mr. Meng ho-ho-hoed at him. I love Mr. Meng)

Kunst: "John, où est ton livre de grammaire?"

John: "Dans mon casier."

Kunst: *exasperated sigh* "Et qu'est-ce qu'il fait dans ton casier?"

John: "Ben...rien."

Ms. Perry: "Why don't you take off your coat and stay for a bit, Max? You're always perched on your chair like you're about to jump up and leave the class at any second."

Max: "Well you know how it is. I live hard, and I live fast."

"Where's Mrs. Odecki?"

"MRS. ODECKI! ... Oh, she's not here" *owl call* (Mrs. Odecki enters the room)

"I rest my case."

-Eric, Maleika

"It's like how we all thought Ke$ha was black."

"SHE'S NOT?!?!?!?!"

-Jillian, Madi

(Sisi has received a large paycheck and is freaking out)

"Calm down."

"No! YOU calm down... GO TO HELL!"

-Okuda, Sisi

"They call me Alex 'The Sexophone' Kuhn." -Alex 'The Sexophone' Kuhn

(to Taylor and Jillian) Ms. Odecki: "Guys! Stop...flirting!"

Madi: "No, don't use the green marker on the poster! You'll ruin the colour scheme!"

Alex R.: "Madi, that may be the gayest thing you've ever said."

Madi: "Alex, I've got some news for you..." (Hint: the news is that I don't ACTUALLY have a penis, and am therefore authorized (although completely unqualified) to insist on colour schemes.)

"My husband is basically Hitler's vision of the master race." -Eva Dockrill

"Welcome to Home Depot!" -Random man in Sephora

(After a particularly bad joke from Mr. Arrigo)

Luca: ...I don't get it.

Josh: Luca, it's called an "anti-joke." They're not supposed to be funny, you just expect the joke and there is none. It's like saying "A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart." Something like that.

Luca: Oh, ok! I have one. What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas?

Mr. Arrigo: What is it, Luca?

Luca: Cancer. (Oh, this is the master of subtlety, alright)

Mr. Arrigo: ....

"My eyes are bad!"

"So is your brain."

-Taylor, Ms. Odecki

"Why are all your hobbies so aggressively lame? Howrse...family trees...hanging out with us...AHH SHIT, A DOG'S ON FIRE! See, I bet you wouldn't get that while tracing George the Third's father or what the fuck have you." -Kuhn

"You know, the last three seconds of an ab exercise are pretty much the reverse of an orgasm." -ANONYMOUS (Well played.)

(at a particularly grueling cross-country ski practice) "Come on, come on, feel the burn! I want to see you all stewing in a pool of your own lactic acid!" -Ms. Middleton, eerily and accidentally channeling Sue Motherfucking Sylvester

"Look, baby, I'm sorry, but your Landgrinch is not coming ANYWHERE near my Man-grinch. How am I supposed to finish my sandwich now?"

-This meme is like some sort of theme and variation, but with Landgrinches

Madi (to Yasmin): "You know, you're the only person outside my family who ever kisses me. (silence) Oh, well besides Eric. But it's okay, because he has his thing with Ian Martin going on anyways."

Josh: "...what?"

Eric: "Look, Ian Martin's got both girl parts and boy parts. He can satisfy me in twice the ways that any woman ever could."

(awkward silence because we suddenly realize that Ms. Morrison is right beside us)

Ms. Morrison: "...you know, I could use you in my sex ed class."

Odecki: "Taylor and Evan, be quiet! Sorry, I mean Eric."

Eric: "One of us should be offended, but I'm not sure which."

(*Ms. Odecki points to Eric*)

"What do you have against happiness?"

Amalissa: "Nothing. It's other people being happy I have a problem with."

"I used to live in the Ottawa River"-Taylor

"I went to an Anglican church until I was eight. Then I went skiing every weekend."-Ms. Perry

(to a violently coughing Luca) "Asthma attack, Fatboy?"-EG Megan/Zoe

Daniel: "Is it just me, or does this band sound kind of Genesis-like?"

Julie: "Yeah, because I've totally read the Bible!"

Sonja (singing): "IIIII wannnnt it thaaaaaat way!"

Roy: "God help us..." (SO VERY BRITISHLY!)

I swear, I accidentally typed 'God' instead of 'Roy' twice.

(about Mr. Meng applying for a Jewish private school in his first year of teaching)

Ryan: "Couldn't you just tell them you were Jewish?"

Mr. Meng: "Well that would be a lie. And of course, as soon as they found out I was German...well I wasn't emphasizing the fact, put it THAT way."

[and then later]

"Many of them are now, uh, rabbis and lawyers, and, umm..."

About 5 people: "ACCOUNTANTS?!"

Mr. Meng: "Well, yes."

Ms. Perry: "My grandparents were first cousins."

Eric: "Well, that explains your fourth arm."

Mr. Meng: "...so 500 members of the Greek council would be saddled with extra responsibility."

Masa: "HA HA, saddled."

Mr. Meng: "Yes. That is, in fact, a word. (awkward silence) Dude."

Taylor: "You've met my good friend Alex Kuhn, right?"

Christine: "Yes, I am acquainted with...It."

(The entire conversation about Taylor's illiteracy was basically this.)

Eric: Oh, so how many pictures are in your book? Are they big and colourful?

Taylor: God damnit, I can read! I read books wiv (see what I did there) thousands of words on each page, for hundreds of pages! Jesus Christ!

Daniel: Well, Taylor, if a picture is a thousand words...

(wearing tin foil) "At least when I get baked I won't stick to the pan" -Jacob Halderson

"Actually, I thought Up was a terrible movie. It was basically listening to a senile old man talk for an hour and a half... sort of like music class."-Luca

"I used to rock my children to sleep, but then the Children's Aid Society said I couldn't use real rocks."-Mr. Arrigo

(while doing painful stretches for cross-country skiing practice)

Madi: "Hi, I'm Madi, and my favourite colour is red."

Kate: "She means firetruck red. (*I agree*) My name is Kate, and I really like purple."

(silence)

Josh: "Oh, uh, hi. My name is Josh and...I'm trying not to fall over right now."

(more silence)

"...oh, and my favourite colour is green, not orange."

Ms. Odecki: "Sisi! Why do you keep talking when I'm trying to explain things to the class?!"

Sisi: "It's not fair you're picking on me, there's like five other people doing it too!"

Ms. Odecki (kind of losing it): "That's no excuse! It's like everybody here is actively trying to disrupt the class--Dawei, why are you waving at me?"

Dawei: "Uhh, can I go to the bathroom?" [note: he does this every single day during the lesson]

Eric: "Timing, Dawei!"

Ms. Odecki: "Doesn't this seem like the most disruptive things you could possibly do right now, in light of what SISI JUST DID?!"

(silence)

Dawei (totally oblivious): "...what did Sisi just do?"

Ms. Perry: "Well Jewish students tend to succeed at university because they study hard, and have a very good work ethic and are, uh, for the most part very intelligent and quick--"

Max: "AND WE'RE GOOD WITH MONEY!!!"

Mr. Meng: "You see, Polyphemos is directly contradicting what a host should be..."

Liam: "...he's eating them?"

"If I can't even ask a question in French, how am I suppose to improvise?" -Eric Chi

"And what do we find there? A big honking asymptote!" -Mrs. Odecki

(On the phone)

"You scheduled a doctor's appointment on my PD day!

I'll still be sleeping at 1:30.

It's interrupting my PD day sleep cycle!

No I can't wait that long. My meniscus might get lodged in my tendon by then.

Well what kind of doctor is she if she's not available for emergency meniscus problems??"

-Maleika

"Sex! All your women, all the time!"

-Ms. Perry, in a fit of Macbeth-related Perrydom

Alex R: "Rafia, Mr. Meng is a fighter, not a lover!"

Masa: "YEAH YOU WOULD KNOW!"

EMC will live on forever!

(*Mr. Derry just walks into the middle of our French class and is immediately greeted by large cheers*)

Mr. Derry (to the Kunst): "Madame! Je veux my bouilloire!"

Julie: "Mr. Derry! Why aren't you wearing pyjamas?"

Vincent: "Mr. Derry! Will you dress up as Santa Claus at Christmas?"

(*Mr. Derry ignores everybody and crosses his arms*): "JE VEUX MA BOUILLOIRE!" (*leaves without another word*)

So yeah, that was totally the highlight of my day. Especially when he came back later to hang around the coffee pot and held up the hot chocolate line. And he still refused to do the verb dance -_-

Josh: "Does anybody else know that quote about being British? It's something like 'Being British is about driving a Japanese car to work and watching American TV...' I don't remember how the rest goes, though."

Stefan: "No, it's about eating crumpets, dumbass!"

Taylor: "I swear cross my life that I won't tell anyone! I swear on the life of my speedos! I swear on my future children! [...] I SWEAR ON THE FACT THAT SOMEDAY I WILL USE MY COCK!"

[04/10/10 9:53:16 PM] taylor-stinson: Madi even when I

[04/10/10 9:53:20 PM] taylor-stinson: I'm wrong

[04/10/10 9:53:35 PM] taylor-stinson: Im be right

[04/10/10 9:53:41 PM] taylor-stinson: Ill be*

[04/10/10 9:53:46 PM] taylor-stinson: DAMN iT I CAN'T TYPE

(about "Macbeth" as "Heavy Rain") "...and then pull down R1 to see the dagger before you." -Eric

"You guys have boyfriends, and I have dignity!" -Melina

*After Owen got a 10 on his scales test...again*

Luca: Sir! Sir, I just need you to clarify something... what do you look for when giving 10 on a scales test?

Garrett: Practice.

Luca: *glares at Garrett, then leans against his wall*

"You are NOT putting that in my f-hole!" -Yasmin

"Where's Dawei? Ahh, I see him. His smile always lights up a room!" -Mr. Meng

"I've got a question: how come the dishwasher opens and then runs and then gets emptied and runs again?" -Sisi

(about having Max play Banquo in Macbeth)

Max: "Are we seriously putting ghosts in this?

Roy: "If 'ghost' means 'homeless person'..."

Taylor?: "But...when would I actually use co-terminal angles?"

(pause)

Odecki: "Math."

"Numéro dix...vas-y, Malcolm"

(*awkward silence, and then we realize she's talking to Kendall and laugh*)

Eh, quoi? Malcolm, Kendall, ça se ressemble!"

"Richard Carlson [author of 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff'] is dead. He died of cancer."

"Did he sweat that?"

-Christine, Taylor

"This former student I had, he looked just like a Greek goddess."

-Mr. Findlater (Totally oblivious to his mistake)

"[The author of "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff"'s daughter] is a vegetarian because she just loves baby animals soooo much"

"But baby vegetables are ok? Baby weeping willows?"

-Maleika, Mr. Wright.

"When I was teaching at Nepean there were these white guys being all tough, and when they came to talk to me they'd gesture and what not, so I'm like "whoa whoa whoa, straight out of Westboro - you're not a gangster" -Mr. Findlater

"Wait so so Macbeth stabbed Duncan in the forehead?"

"Uh no, not that kind of temple..."

-Christian Angel, Sandro

"So then Macbeth grabs the knives and just gives it to them. And then everyone else is like... what did you do that for?” -Ms. Perry

"Stefan, get new eyes" -Taylor

Mr. Wright: "So the sperm cells can only live up to 2 days inside of a woman's uterus, in which time it must find an egg."

Student who will not be named: "So um...how long can a sperm cell last inside of the male digestive system?"

[About her Perrier bottle] "Ce n'est pas du vin, c'est du vodka. J'en ai besoin" -Mme. Perras

"So do you have your grammar book somewhere else or did you burn it in a campfire?" -Mr. Wright subbing for French

"They're having a gay old time in the bathroom -What?" -Mme. Perras

Madi: "So I talked over my Pride and Prejudice essay with Ms. Perry today. It didn't really go anywhere. But on the other hand, I did get to hear her refer to all teenage boys as 'horny gropers'. Twice."

Kuhn: "I find that offensive, and also true (silence) Hey, remember that time we saw Madison Paige's breasts?"

"Luca, I'd like you to know that I have accepted our lord and saviour Jesus Christ...INTO MY ANUS." -Eric (putting this in context actually might make it worse, so I'll just leave it as is)

"Ils sont, comme, environmentally aware." -Vincent D.

Maleika: "Taylor, we don't want you to be a 40-year-old virgin."

Taylor: "There's an easy way to fix that..."

Maleika: "Well Ben's right over there!"

"Yesterday, we watched some of the Orson Welles virgin...version...woah." -Ms. Perry

"I don't think most guys get periods."-Charlotte

Mr. Lee: "You have 10 million bacteria living in your intestines. Gross, right?"

Sisi: "That's not gross, that's HOT!"

(about Lady Macbeth) "She's...she's TERRIFYING!"-Owen

"I'm sorry I can't stop laughing, I just keep thinking about people being buried alive."-Daniel Wilson

(math) "How about for our summative, we see who can start the best pyramid scheme?"-Roy

*In bio class, talking about plant cells.*

Mrs. Ceci-Ward: What do plant cells do? I'll give you a hint: What do you guys do every lunch hour?

Okuda: Reproduce?

Mrs. Ceci-Ward: EVERY lunchtime?!

Mr. McKay: Let's say that this bond is like a unicorn, and this one is like a monster. What do get when you put them together?

Eddy: A unicorn-monster!

Mr. McKay: No...A rhinoceros.

Mr. Tang: Catherine, why did you lose marks here?

Catherine: I was distracted by Penelope!

Mr. Tang: Penelope?

*Catherine holds up a pink stuffed bunny*

Mr. Tang: Gimme. *Scoffs* Distracted by a bunny...

Catherine: But it isn't just a bunny! It's a super-cute, pink bunny!

Mr. McKay: Can anyone think of an adjective to describe this triangle?

Okuda: Triangular?

*In chemistry, within a span of 10 minutes*

"Who says dog scrotum tastes bad? It's tangy!"

"However I like bear feces, and that's the difference!"

and finally, "I support Hitler!"

- More Taylorness

Mr. Arrigo: Luca, what interval is this?

Luca: Well sir, it's diminished. Wait, no. It's a major minor 7th? NO, WAIT.

*long pause*

Luca: IT'S A B!

Mr. Arrigo : Luca, why were you late for band?

Luca: You see, sir, I went on the highway and it was packed, so my mom exited, and we went to St.Laurent, then to Gloucester, then we ended up on Montreal Road before coming here. Don't worry, it only took like 30 minutes.

* Luca arrived an hour and 10 minutes late.*

**he also told us to "go back to 4chan" no fewer than 5 times.

"Hey Eric, don't forget to vote for me!"

(nonchalantly) "Suck a dick, Karl."

Josh: "Taylor, what was involved in the reaction?"

"Uh, I dunno, something oxidizing?"

"FUCKING FIRE, TAYLOR."

"Car je suis un HOMME j'aime le contrôle dans ma vie!" -Kendall

Mr. Meng (upon eyeing up the rock-hardness of Kuhn's female voluptuosity) "...and is that why you weren't in class yesterday? You were having your legs shaved?"

Kuhn: "Yes."

Meng: *laughs* "Okay, then. What about you, Madi?"

Me: "...I was shaving him."

And then we weren't marked absent :)

"I don't write criticisms...unless I write 'yuck'...okay, so THAT's a criticism." -Ms. Perry

Madi: "So what about this girl you're seeing tonight? Do you think you might get all the way with her?"

Taylor: "Nahh, she's not quite at that point yet."

Madi (confused): "What, puberty?"

"It takes the shape of a hole. Look, there's my beee-eautiful little hole!" -Ms. Odecki

(singing) "I wanna be on the cover of Hustler magazine Next to Oprah and the Queeeeeeeen!" -T-Stinz

"Satisfait-moi!" -Kunst

"Sartre était un imbécile qui a dit des imbécilités toute sa vie, qui était malheureusement longue."-Kunstmann (she doesn't like Sartre much...just a guess)

Ms. Martino: "Linka --? That's a very German name?"

Linka: "Actually, it's Dutch."

Martino: "Well Dutch, German, same thing really."

Linka: "...uh...no."

Meng: "Luca, why are you late again?"

Luca: (completely apathetically) "...I'm a slow walker."

(presenting Mayans project) "They had a...pathogen of many dieyities." -James Keast

"Vos idées--excusez-moi--je m'en fiche!" -Kunstmann

"So what I'm going to do is make it possible for everybody to work in class. Sisi, move into the hall." -Ms. Odecki

(talking about working the back door really loudly in the middle of chemistry, so I am told)

Max: "WOULDN'T YOU JUST GET SHIT ON YOUR DICK?"

Kuhn: "The World Trade Centre was actually the tower of Babel. Think about it."

Alex R: "Yep. Jews ran it, Arabs fucked it up." :O

"Il le salue, et il est comme 'SALUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT!'" -Xiang

(to Madi) "You know how only virgins can see unicorns? Yeah, if a unicorn saw you, it would immediately turn and run in the other direction." -Kuhn

"I can't control my heterosexual rage!" -Eric

(to Yasmin) "You're like Obi Wan Kenobi, but with boobs!" -Stefan

(peering into Ms. Perry's 3rd period English class writing their P&P essays)

Ms. Perry: Are you Ben?

Ben: yes...

Ms. Perry: I know you. I know your parents actually. I did some prenatal work with your mom when she was expecting you. And she went to Cambridge right? And your dad went to Cambridge.

Ben:....

Ms. Perry: I also know where you live and rescued your dog once.

Ben:....

Jillian:...

"Sisi, watch the language girlfriend" -Mrs. Odeki

"This class has so many couples! Bryana and Ben, Nathan and Daphne, Kiwi and James..."

"...Ijo and himself..."

-Mme Perras, Maleika

"Whoever left their condom in my desk drawer can come and get it now" -Mme. Perras

"Look at what you've done to me; I'm erect!" -Sandro...I may have committed some LIGHT misquoting

"DOUBTING THOMAS, COME HERE AND TOUCH MY WOOOOOUNDS!" -Bridget

(on the smartboard) "Dear Diary, The natives are restless again, except for Ryan, who is napping as usual." -Odecki

"I love Noki! It's like a big bunch of delicious balls!" -Owen

"Thinking makes you ugly...just look at Stephen Hawking! Or maybe that's the ALS..." -Oh God, one of the people I hang out with

(from a P&P essay, I don't know whose) "Elizabeth implores him to be a good father and perform his conjugal duties..."

"The joys of--put that clarinet away!" -Ms. Perry

"Do you think that's what I DO? Listen to Taylor Swift? I don't even know what that is!" -Ms. Perry

Maleika: "It's not Jibril!"

Mrs. Odecki: "Listen, gerbil girl..."

"Oh hi, I'm Stefan. I don't wear protection because I'm soooooooo badass..." -Luca

(he does this every single day at the exact same time)

Dawei: "Uh, Mrs. Odecki, can I go to the bathroom please?"

Mrs. Odecki: "NO! Honestly, do you have a tryst with your girlfriend every day at quarter after two?!"

"They're like, 'Mr. Meng, do you need a little money?' and I'm like 'ho ho ho ho ho'...but seriously."

Ms. Perry: "Evan, are you ever going to get married?"

Evan: (sighs) "Well yeah, if I can FIND someone..."

Josh: "But seriously, Taylor, why do you hate me so much?"

Taylor: "YOU KEEP SAYING I HAVE A SMALL DICK!"

(inevitable jokes about the size of Taylor's member ensue)

Josh: "But...you told me that...in civics class last year."

(sneezes) "Thank you. Thank you for blessing me with your false god." -Kuhn (he's resentful because I'm always screaming silences at the God I'm so faithful to)

Mr. Meng: "So, do we have any more reasons why Aboriginal culture is important?"

Luca: "Um, I don't think it is. Because, well, aren't they pretty much done for? I mean I know, they have their little meetings and stuff..."

I can't find a way to quote Detective Christian :( If anybody finds a way to express that perfect moment of dawning comprehension, please send it to me.

Mme Kunstmann: "Vous commencez à parler, and what are you talking about?...are you following me? Now what have we learned today?"

Christine: (groans) "Not to take AP French."

"Elizabeth is a liberalist, feminist...uh...female." -Chris Cole (presenting in English class)

"You can't travel on your own! You're gonna get raped, like, ten times! [...] "She realizes 'yeah, my mom is kind of a crack job.' " -Kendall

"Eric, arachnophobia is like homosexuality--all in the mind!" -T-Staenz

Dad: "Nobody asks for your Anglican I.D. card at the door, is my point."

Edward: "Can I see your card?"

Dad: "I was kidding..."

Edward: "Oh."

Dad: "...I just have Anglican-themed tattoos on my buttocks!"

Edward (utterly and horribly confused) "Umm. I did not know that...before..."

(watching The Prince of Egypt) "Dude! Ramses is lookin' PRETTY pissed off!"

"It's ok, I promise I won't rape you! Well, I might rape you a bit..." -Any guesses? (Taylor)

"Men are really attracted to hips and breasts (as you may already know) because these are qualities that will produce children AND THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF SEX!" -Ms. Perry

(In regards to the practicality of math) "I need to figure out the optimum value of Special K, so I'm going to formulate an equation based on this month's weekly sales, not including my Q-pons." -Jillian

Julie: Mr. Arrigo! Wanna hear a joke? Ok. So why did Beethoven sell his chicken? *Class has a puzzled look* Because it went "Bach bach bach! Get it? Bach... Bawk?"

Geoff: Julie... Beethoven was deaf...

Alex K. on Inception as a romantic comedy: "What happens...when the man OF your dreams...is IN your dreams?!"

Madi: "Give me a hand with this question. 'Technological advances have aided researchers in their work studying early hominids. Based on your reading of the article, explain in what way and for what purpose technology is used by a paleoanthropologist.' "

Taylor: "TIME MACHINES! MOTHERFUCKING TIME MACHINES! Dude, how do those things even work?"

Taylor: "But don't all atoms, even stable ones decay? So won't, like, an atom of hydrogen...stop?"

Mr. St. Aubin: "Stop what?"

Taylor: "Just...stop."

(class silence)

Taylor: At our high school reunion, he will STILL BE TRYING TO JUMP IN YOUR PANTS!

Me: Uhh, you think so?

Taylor: Yep! And for that matter, so will I!

Me: What?

Taylor: Well, I'll be be like 40 and might not have a wife!

Me: Well...I guess that's pretty much a compliment, since you're assuming that at 40, I'll still be hot enough to interest you.

Taylor: Come on, I've seen your mo--you know what? I'm not going to finish that sentence.

Masa: "Is that a porto?"

Mr. Meng: "Was that supposed to be funny?"

(Kuhn will know that I included this one for the benefit of the EM club)

"Can I just say something? You Asians drive me crazy!" -Mrs. Odecki

(after Roy's essay) Ms. Perry: "Roy, you used such strong words there! I think that evoked some emotion in all of us...look, Owen's even crying because of how much it moved him!"

Owen: "No I'm not, I'm crying because I have to go next!"

(Martin leaves class to get water. The moment he's gone)

Ms. Perry: Okay, so who nominates Martin to be the first one to read his essay in front of everybody the moment he gets back? (*everybody raises their hands*) So that's settled. Although...I don't think he'll really mind it that much. I get the impression he likes to talk. A lot."

Mrs. Odecki: "How will I ever get you to behave?"

Jason: "Uhhh...corporal punishment?"

"It's like the placebo effect on steroids!" -Sandro

"Ms. Perry, do you want my love-rod?" -Anonymous BUT WE ALL KNOW IT'S ERIC

"Hypnotism! Hypnotism! Quack quack quack quack quack!" -Sandro

"Crap! My all-cocaine breakfasts have to stop!" -?

(about Mrs. Odecki) "She has the kind of chipperness that is generally associated with axe-murderers who hide people in their basement." -Eric

"Essay out of 10?! FML!" -Owen

"I'm kind of a...nationalistic communist." -Roy

"Well yes, Mr. Hodgson is a god." -Ms. Perry

(phone rings) Mrs. Odecki: "Ben?"

Ben: "Huh?"

Mrs. Odecki: "It's your parole officer."

Eric: "WHY ARE ALL MATH TEACHERS SUCH TROLLS?"

"For your passwords, it can't be something obvious, like 'noodlebrain' for Sisi. Hey, did you know that Sisi dyes her hair black? She's actually blonde. Sorry, but this is just so easy."-Mrs. Odecki

"I three-way? That's rude!" -Mrs. Odecki

"I don't always eat babies, but when I do, I often rape them first."

-I think it was Kuhn, but Taylor says it "exudes Ericness".

I think the Quotebook is going to get steadily more offensive to everybody this year.

N.B.: It was Kuhn. Also, I don't actually know what N.B. stands for.