Please don't kill me if I misquoted you.
Thanks to Jillian for coming onboard :)
Newer quotes are at the top, CTRL-F your name.
Feel free to make suggestions!
***
Taylor: "So when's Ms. Lee marrying Mr. Greenberg?"
Me: "It's Gillberg, actually."
Taylor: "Well Gillberg, iceberg, Jewberg; what's the difference?"
Frank Lu, on the elements of sci-fi: "Sci-fi...that's the one where the, uh, the girls, wear bras, and panties, and the guys...they don't wear anything, and there's lightsabers."
Ben: "Because it's the last day of class, can we just take all the chemicals we find in your cupboard and combine them to see what happens? You know, as an experiment?"
Mr. Cermak: "That's not an experiment, that's a disaster."
Ning: "No, Ben in science class is a disaster. Or any class, really."
Janan: "I LOVE disasters!"
"Madi Schwarznegger: 'Velcome to my summatif. I ahm heer to pahmp you ahp!' "
-Mr. Barker
"Our! You know, the past tense of we!?"
-Kirk
(Mr. O'Conner is walking across the mall towards the north building in a carefree manner)
Mr. McMahon: "Paul..."
(strained silence)
Mr. O'Conner: "Oh SHIT, I have a class!"
(runs in other direction)
"Oxford University was a hoax, just like the dinosaurs!"
-Madi imitating God
"Oh, I'm sorry. You must have mistaken me for someone who cares."
-Mr. Barker
"So what we're doing today--if Alex Okuda ever shuts up, which would be a MIRACLE--"
-Mr. Cermak
(about politics)
"Like a swap club, right? Who's your bitch THIS week?"
-Mr. Barker
(Taylor's demonstrating rock climbing for some trig problem)
Ms. Lee: "So if the belayer's rope goes very slack and the climber drops and breaks his neck, what is Taylor going to feel?"
Tao: "Guilty?"
(unironically) "Hey guys, wouldn't it be funny if World War Three had broken out because of the Cuban Missile Crisis? Then the U.S. wouldn't think they were the shit anymore!"
-Sisi
(Mr. O'Conner is walking across the mall towards the north building in a carefree manner)
Mr. McMahon: "Paul..."
(strained silence)
Mr. O'Conner: "Oh SHIT, I have a class!"
(runs in other direction)
"Oxford University was a hoax, just like the dinosaurs!"
-Madi imitating God
"Oh, I'm sorry. You must have mistaken me for someone who cares."
-Mr. Barker
"So what we're doing today--if Alex Okuda ever shuts up, which would be a MIRACLE--"
-Mr. Cermak
(about politics)
"Like a swap club, right? Who's your bitch THIS week?"
-Mr. Barker
(Taylor's demonstrating rock climbing for some trig problem)
Ms. Lee: "So if the belayer's rope goes very slack and the climber drops and breaks his neck, what is Taylor going to feel?"
Tao: "Guilty?"
(unironically) "Hey guys, wouldn't it be funny if World War Three had broken out because of the Cuban Missile Crisis? Then the U.S. wouldn't think they were the shit anymore!"
-Sisi
"I don't need to study! I know it all!"
"Then can I have your book?"
"No! I need to study!
-Taylor -.-
"So did your friend get to read all the top secret Parliament memos?"
"Peter McKay: They're all bitches!"
"Stephen Harper: I wonder what my cat is thinking right now..."
-Mr. Barker,Yasmin, Maleika
"You don't have space to write that all there..."
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"Maleika...? I OWN YOUR ASS."
-Yasmin, Maleika
"If we stuck 40 students in here, what would they be lacking?"
"Authority?"
"If we stuck 40 students in here, what would they be lacking?"
"Authority?"
-Mr. Cermak, Janan
(After Sra. takes his phone)
"Chill!"
"No you chill. You can chill without it until tomorrow, while I chill with it"
-Clive, Sra Franklin
"Make sure you don't damage my package!"
-Sra. Franklin
"It seems the whole school has conspired against me. Little do they know, I know where they park."
-Mr. Tang.
Mr Cermak: "Madeleine, please be quiet. The teachers in the science department adjoining the classroom are sleeping."
Madi: "Science teachers don't need sleep. They can just crawl under their little coffins"
"If someone has a giant infected cold-sore, don't go snogging them!"
-Mr. Cermak
"Mr. Sifate runs French class like North Korea"
-Janan
[about the Iron Curtain]
"The Great Wall of the Atlantic was to separate the communists from the democrats."
-Taylor
Ms. Lee: "...so don't thump your melon."
Eric Chi: "Miss, in my experience, you need two melons to be able to thump them properly." [leers at her]
Ms. Lee: "Yes, well, we can discuss THAT after class."
Eric Stewart (voicing what we're all thinking): "Did she...did she just come on to him?"
"So what can we say about Diefenbaker?"
[silence]
"He was UGLY!"
-Mr. Barker, Melina
[trying to debate]
"It's like that guy...uh...What's-his-name Hitler..."
-Taylor
Colin: "Can I PLEASE go to the bathroom?"
Ms. Lee: "No. You can go to the bathroom IF you get here early, which you didn't do."
Eric: "So basically, she's trolling your bladder."
"He was loved universally by all of Canada."
-Some person in history?
Okuda: "Hey, did you know that a glass of water in England has been through three hundred people?"
Janan: "Yeah, I did, and I probably TOLD you that, too."
"Basically, the SN's strategy is to sit around in a happy little circle singing 'Kumbayah' and hoping that nothing goes wrong."
-Mr. Barker
Mr. Cermak: "So because of the parasites, pigs were actually quite unhealthy in the Middle East. Which is why Muslims and Jews don't eat pork."
(literally ten seconds later)
Okuda: "Wait, so why don't Jewish people don't eat any meat...?"
Mr. Cermak (losing it): "Pork, Alex, pork! Rewind, REWIND! *makes rewinding noise* ...so because of the parasites, pigs were actually quite unhealthy in the Middle East, WHICH IS WHY JEWS DON'T EAT PORK! Are you getting it? Are you getting it?!"
"I'm like the gay Santa Claus, bringing gifts of dildos and homosexual love to all!"
-Daniel Wilson
"Oh, Taylor, it's so big! It's absolutely huge!"
-Ms. Lee (context, Ms. Lee, context!)
"You blew that January real good!"
-Jack
Mr. Cermak: "Once I was working with mosquitoes as part of a voluntary undergrad thing. In the end I had it relatively easy...I only got, oh, 500-600 bites per hand."
Janan: "What...what could possibly compel you to DO such a thing?"
"What happens if you miss a guidance appointment?"
(After Sra. takes his phone)
"Chill!"
"No you chill. You can chill without it until tomorrow, while I chill with it"
-Clive, Sra Franklin
"Make sure you don't damage my package!"
-Sra. Franklin
"It seems the whole school has conspired against me. Little do they know, I know where they park."
-Mr. Tang.
Mr Cermak: "Madeleine, please be quiet. The teachers in the science department adjoining the classroom are sleeping."
Madi: "Science teachers don't need sleep. They can just crawl under their little coffins"
"If someone has a giant infected cold-sore, don't go snogging them!"
-Mr. Cermak
"Mr. Sifate runs French class like North Korea"
-Janan
[about the Iron Curtain]
"The Great Wall of the Atlantic was to separate the communists from the democrats."
-Taylor
Ms. Lee: "...so don't thump your melon."
Eric Chi: "Miss, in my experience, you need two melons to be able to thump them properly." [leers at her]
Ms. Lee: "Yes, well, we can discuss THAT after class."
Eric Stewart (voicing what we're all thinking): "Did she...did she just come on to him?"
"So what can we say about Diefenbaker?"
[silence]
"He was UGLY!"
-Mr. Barker, Melina
[trying to debate]
"It's like that guy...uh...What's-his-name Hitler..."
-Taylor
Colin: "Can I PLEASE go to the bathroom?"
Ms. Lee: "No. You can go to the bathroom IF you get here early, which you didn't do."
Eric: "So basically, she's trolling your bladder."
"He was loved universally by all of Canada."
-Some person in history?
Okuda: "Hey, did you know that a glass of water in England has been through three hundred people?"
Janan: "Yeah, I did, and I probably TOLD you that, too."
"Basically, the SN's strategy is to sit around in a happy little circle singing 'Kumbayah' and hoping that nothing goes wrong."
-Mr. Barker
Mr. Cermak: "So because of the parasites, pigs were actually quite unhealthy in the Middle East. Which is why Muslims and Jews don't eat pork."
(literally ten seconds later)
Okuda: "Wait, so why don't Jewish people don't eat any meat...?"
Mr. Cermak (losing it): "Pork, Alex, pork! Rewind, REWIND! *makes rewinding noise* ...so because of the parasites, pigs were actually quite unhealthy in the Middle East, WHICH IS WHY JEWS DON'T EAT PORK! Are you getting it? Are you getting it?!"
"I'm like the gay Santa Claus, bringing gifts of dildos and homosexual love to all!"
-Daniel Wilson
"Oh, Taylor, it's so big! It's absolutely huge!"
-Ms. Lee (context, Ms. Lee, context!)
"You blew that January real good!"
-Jack
Mr. Cermak: "Once I was working with mosquitoes as part of a voluntary undergrad thing. In the end I had it relatively easy...I only got, oh, 500-600 bites per hand."
Janan: "What...what could possibly compel you to DO such a thing?"
"What happens if you miss a guidance appointment?"
"You burn in hell."
[silence]
"...Really?"
-Luca, Mr. Tang
"While I'm pleased you can quote me extensively from memory, I'm also surprised that I've said enough amusing things that are socially acceptable to repeat."
-Eric
"Oh, fun fact: while riding the bus with Josh and Julie yesterday,Josh related to us how his psycho grandmother thought he was like his mother and tried to make him like her. He was enrolled in gymnastics at the age of 2. Which is both kind of horrifying and surprisingly explanatory. Josh McCarthy: Origins"
-Eric
"If we take you and stuff you in a deep dark mine with all the lights off, you aren't going to be able to see your hand."
-Mr Cermak
"If you gouge your eye out you still won't be able to see your finger"
- Mr. Cermak
"I was using the logical part of my brain, which contrary to popular belief, exists."
-Ben
"Pardon the thick layers of sarcasm. I am no longer an onion."
-Martin
Kate imitating her mother: " Take your organic parsnips to school!"
Kate as herself: "Yeah - no way in hell."
"I'm the new Lance Armstrong!"
"Ya, it shows with that body"
-Clive, Sra Franklin
"At least this mushroom is a little healthier than the others"
-Mme. Bigras (about a certain drawing found under the projector screen)
"I think the proper language for this situation would be 'Shawg'"
-Mr. Tang (who then went to urbandictionary.com)
---
Melina: "Having a boyfriend is so much work, because you have to make extra time for him!"
Yasmin: "Whatever. I just do my boyfriend while fencing."
"Did you guys know that the word 'monty' means 'naked' in Britain, as in 'the full monty'? And you know a python is a kind of snake, right? So basically 'Monty Python' actually means 'naked snake'. (silence) So basically, penis. Heh heh."
-Mr. Barker
(getting progressively higher and higher-pitched)
Sisi: "I missed my starry ice cream! I missed my starry ice cream! I MISSED MY STARRY IIICE CREEEEEAMMMM!!!"
Okuda: "Sisi, shut UP!"
Mitchell: "And THAT is by far the smartest thing he's ever said..."
(while watching a video of the explosion on the surface of the sun)
Eric Chi: "Miss, could you turn up the volume please?"
Eric Stewart: "It was taken in outer space!"
Eric C: "So?"
Eric S: "...there's no sound."
(silence)
Eric C: "Well...you never know, okay?!"
"Madeleine, you are the whitest, least convincing hoodlum ever. Let me put it this way: you make about a good a gansta as Martin would a rapper."
-My mom :(
(translated) "Hey, I'm Jesus, let me do some good in Congo!"
-Mr. Sifate
"And he was saying "C'mon. You know you love the Taylor", but the way he was saying it, he might as well have been saying "Hop on my dick."
"While I'm pleased you can quote me extensively from memory, I'm also surprised that I've said enough amusing things that are socially acceptable to repeat."
-Eric
"Oh, fun fact: while riding the bus with Josh and Julie yesterday,Josh related to us how his psycho grandmother thought he was like his mother and tried to make him like her. He was enrolled in gymnastics at the age of 2. Which is both kind of horrifying and surprisingly explanatory. Josh McCarthy: Origins"
-Eric
"If we take you and stuff you in a deep dark mine with all the lights off, you aren't going to be able to see your hand."
-Mr Cermak
"If you gouge your eye out you still won't be able to see your finger"
- Mr. Cermak
"I was using the logical part of my brain, which contrary to popular belief, exists."
-Ben
"Pardon the thick layers of sarcasm. I am no longer an onion."
-Martin
Kate imitating her mother: " Take your organic parsnips to school!"
Kate as herself: "Yeah - no way in hell."
"I'm the new Lance Armstrong!"
"Ya, it shows with that body"
-Clive, Sra Franklin
"At least this mushroom is a little healthier than the others"
-Mme. Bigras (about a certain drawing found under the projector screen)
"I think the proper language for this situation would be 'Shawg'"
-Mr. Tang (who then went to urbandictionary.com)
---
Melina: "Having a boyfriend is so much work, because you have to make extra time for him!"
Yasmin: "Whatever. I just do my boyfriend while fencing."
"Did you guys know that the word 'monty' means 'naked' in Britain, as in 'the full monty'? And you know a python is a kind of snake, right? So basically 'Monty Python' actually means 'naked snake'. (silence) So basically, penis. Heh heh."
-Mr. Barker
(getting progressively higher and higher-pitched)
Sisi: "I missed my starry ice cream! I missed my starry ice cream! I MISSED MY STARRY IIICE CREEEEEAMMMM!!!"
Okuda: "Sisi, shut UP!"
Mitchell: "And THAT is by far the smartest thing he's ever said..."
(while watching a video of the explosion on the surface of the sun)
Eric Chi: "Miss, could you turn up the volume please?"
Eric Stewart: "It was taken in outer space!"
Eric C: "So?"
Eric S: "...there's no sound."
(silence)
Eric C: "Well...you never know, okay?!"
"Madeleine, you are the whitest, least convincing hoodlum ever. Let me put it this way: you make about a good a gansta as Martin would a rapper."
-My mom :(
(translated) "Hey, I'm Jesus, let me do some good in Congo!"
-Mr. Sifate
"And he was saying "C'mon. You know you love the Taylor", but the way he was saying it, he might as well have been saying "Hop on my dick."
-Madi
"Squawk squawk squawk. I am I large flightless bird, who resides mainly in Africa. I lay eggs which are unusually large for my genus. I enjoy math!"
-Ms. Murray/Ostrich
She might as well have said this, anyways.
"But then...he pretended to attack by Belgium!"
"HA HA, I TROLLED YOU!"
-Mr. Barker, Yasmin
*Mr. Barker has a coughing fit*
Yasmin: "Don't die, Mr. Barker!"
Melina: "Yeah, the semester's not over yet!"
Mr. Barker: "Your concern is touching. Really."
"The St. Louis Arch: its base is 192 meters wide."
"If it were a woman, I would marry her."
(awkward silence)
-Ms. Lee, Stefan
"I think I have a bit of a soft spot for Michael J. Fox...he just won't be able to hit it."
-Eric, upping his scale on the offense-o-meter
(after too much optics) "Aaaargh! I don't care about seeing!"
-Alex Okuda (just as a point of reference so that he can't complain if and when he goes blind in 40 years)
"What'cha gonna do? Nothing? That's what I thought. *stomps on ground* Next please!"
-Mr. Barker (he seems to enjoy imitating the embodiment of 1930s Germany)
"The reason for your low mark isn't the fact that you're stupid. The reason for your low mark is because you're lazy and don't do any of the work."
-Mr. Cermak
"I don't like Josh. He kept saying I had a small dick during careers class."
"So what you're saying is you dislike him because he's perceptive?"
-Taylor, Eric
(on a test, to answer the question 'How many times did Germany invade another country before WWII?) "Hitler a invaidé 4 pays avant la guerre. La france, l'Austria, et Tchechosloyqie (2 fois)"
-Geoff
[about a project in which we need to come up with three things to do to someone to show that you care]
Max: I'm not going to give away my tactics.
Christine: Yeah, you're a love machine.
Max: Hey, until you've felt it, you don't know what it's like. I'll do one thing and girls will line up around the block to get me.
Max: [as a pickup line] There is no one I would rather further my genetic line with than you.
"Tell me lies; make me feel good"
-Mr. Barker
"Our Jewish wine is sweet... is yours salty?"
[later]
"Well, what does it taste like?"
"Shit"
-Max, Martin
"In this case the answer is a smiley face pawabowa going hawow!"
-Mr. Tang
Mr. Barker: Do you ever say anything that isn't cynical?
Melina: Look who's talking!
Mr. Barker: Hey, I choose my moments. I'm a cynical sniper.
[Nasha is holding something that looks a helluva lot like a dildo]
Mr. Barker: Nasha.... what is that?
Nasha: It's a microphone.
Mr. Barker: Oh. It looked like something else.
Nasha: Farzad, Mr. Barker thought the same thing you did!
Mr. Barker: Denied. I merely asked what it was. Farzad would have asked if you enjoyed it.
Mr. Barker: Like we say in good French... Venez troubleshooter, Farzad. We can conjugate it into the subjonctif! Que je troubleshooste, que tu troubleshoostes...
Ms. Lee: "So, let's say your going on a trans-Canada flight to--"
Taylor: "Malaysia!"
Ms. Lee: "That's not in Canada...anymore."
(to Taylor) "I could spend all class looking at you..."
-Ms. Lee
"What's the point of the homework?"
"To beat you with the learning stick until you're beaten and covered with..the...blood of...learning? Yeah, that analogy just died."
-Somebody, Eric
" 'Blah blah blah Hitler, je suis la Grande-Bretagne! Je vais t'attaquer maintenant!' 'D'accord, voyons, tu me ménaces la guerre...avec quoi, j'sais pas trop..."
-Mr. Barker
"I'm gonna prove to the world how great I am, I'm gonna go beat myself up some Ethiopians!"
-Mr. Barker
Mr. Barker: "At this point, the Czech had forces that were equal to that of Germany."
Yasmin: *snorts* "First and last time THAT ever happened!
Me: "If I live to be a hundred, I will never forget the sight of Eric dancing around the stage with a gleeful expression on his face."
Ms. Lee: "I know! And with the tights rolled up above his knees, and the pantaloons...[thinks about it]...he has really nice legs, actually!"
Run, Eric, run.
Actually, I love Ms. Lee. You heard me, Tang fangirls.
"Umm...you DO realize that you just got propositioned by your cousin, right?"
-Eric
Apparently, I don't have any gaydar either, because I always thought the male clerk at Select Roses just had problems with his vocal chords or something.
Okuda: "I love how when I look in cars, I look like a midget!"
Janan: "Actually, that's not the car, Alex..."
Mr. Cermak "Oh, I was just about to say that!"
"If I were Buffy the Vampire Slayer, how would you not be like a vampire? I wouldn't want to stick anything hard and wooden into you."
-Eric (the most recent in the "hey ____" series)
"Yessss, I just ACED this quiz!"
"Good job, champ! You did give him the 4th-grade quiz, right Mr. Cermak?"
-Okuda, Kuhn
"Well, it's good to know that when we fail, the kids in Thunder Bay will be failing even harder."
-Madi
"[I'm] allergic to awesome!"
-Max (so what if I paraphrased it?)
"I'm not an outlet for sexy talk!"
-Also Max
"How does one constitute a better max besner than max besner, is it being really awesome, or good at oboe and bass guitar, or just devilishly handsome?"
-Max again, in the same conversation
(from last semester, forgot to put it up)
Sra Franklin: "Okay, we neeed some rules for theee clahss!"
Michael: "How about no mocking, Senora?"
Sra: "What doehs mohckeeeeeeng meeen?"
Entire class: "...MOHCKEEEEENG!"
Sra: "WHAT DOEHS MOHCKEEEENG MEEEN?!"
Josh: "Ugghhh, I'm so going to fail this test..."
Madi: "Hey, you can't complain, because YOU got to miss a whole week of math!"
Josh: "Actually, I can, because my grandma died."
Madi: "...oh."
Frank Lu: I'm Mr. Lube! I'm a car wash. I wash you good, I wash you good.
*Woles randomly appears in the art class*
Ms. Grant: Aren’t you supposed to be in class?
Woles Wahidi: It’s boring. In ICS we’re watching a boring movie.
Ms. Grant: Well does your teacher know you’re here?
Woles Wahidi: I told her I was going to the bathroom.
Ms. Whitfield: What do bears and trains have in common? One student wrote 'They're big and fast and have people in them' and they failed.
Janan: What do Joe and trains have in common?
Eric: They're big and both have Jack inside.
Mr. Meng: Smurfs are these little people that live in mushrooms.
Sara: Are they real?
Mr. Meng: The worst title could be 'Essay'. Or 'History Essay'. Or '5 Paragraph Thingy'.
Kaitlyn: Did you forget to eat my chocolate too?
Glenn: Lemme check... *looks in bag*
David: At least yours is not as breakable...
Glenn: *pulls out bag of fine chocolate dust*
David: Uh... nevermind..
Kendall: You could snort that!
Taylor: "Pilgrimage."
Ms. Whitfield: "Close, but something that starts with J."
Taylor: "Jilgrimage?"
Ms. Whitfield: "Just a heads up, Mr. Tang is NOT the answer to any of the questions, especially question 3." [Question 3 is: Who is the most evil? Why?]
"Fuck you, Passover. I'm just going to go eat some more of my temporary cardboard now. Omnomnomnomnom."
-Josh
"This isn't working out."
"No shit."
-Edson, Maleika [self-explanatory, really]
"I don't understand ANY of this!"
"Hey! You can't complain, because unlike us, YOU just got to miss a whole week of math!"
"Actually, I can, because my grandma died."
"Oh."
-Josh, Madi
(about Stalin) "He was a bitch!" (followed by the incredibly insightful comment "Hitler was an asshole!")
-Melina
"But what if you had a one-may mirror that reflected BOTH ways?"
"Well, Alex, we usually call those windows."
-Okuda, Kuhn
[from December]
Mr. Barker: "The person who keeps the members of the party in check is called the whip--"
*simultaneous whipping noises from everyone in class*
*silence*
Mr. Barker: "You know, I have not taught this class a single year without that happening.
With thanks to Jillian, our newest author!
(who is taking over muahahahahahaha *ahem*)
*Disapparates*
(No she isn't, regularly scheduled programming just had a brief lull while MG was doing important things like failing math tests and being Max Besner's bass roadie). BUT I'M BACK NOW! And I bring tidings of great quotes.
"Gabe, look, I know you want to boost your mark and everything, but do you actually think Ms. Hammond's hot? *Gabe raises eyebrows suggestively* Okay, let's put it this way...is she hotter than the girls on the rowing team?"
"She IS on the rowing team...but she's in a league of her own..."
-Madi, Gabe (there were so many better ones, but then I spontaneously became very tired and forgot them all. For the record, she still hasn't boosted his English mark, despite the number of times he's walked into her class wearing nothing but a rowing shirt, a suggestively raised eyebrow and a large pair of handcuffs).
"...and heere, we haff another rrrelic of the communeests...we don't rreally know what eet is forr...among the locals, wee...usually referr to eet asss...the...uglyblackmonstrosity."
-Helena, Prague tour guide
"..but by zhen she vas too dead to be ze Yoko Ono for Bach!"
-Christian, awesome guide in Koethen
"...und here iss ze spot vhere Bach composed vun off his most famous vorks, ze zymphony in H# minor..."
-Failure music tour guide in Leipzig
Mr. Barker: "It wouldn't matter who was in power during the depression: King, Bennett, Meighen--"
Geoff: "Laurier!"
Yasmin: (outraged) "Laurier was DEAD!"
"Just join track and field already!"
"Don't listen to him, Emma! We have a better sport!"
"Rowing? Yeah right. You sit backwards. You don't even know where you're GOING!"
-Ben, Ning Hao
Maleika: "What?! People with loose morals?! Malayyyyysia maaaannnn...to the rescue!"
Taylor: "Hymmmmnnnnmmmrph..." *codface*
Maleika: "Taylor, as long as we think it's funny, what you say doesn't really matter."
"That's fantastic! We're finally free from that odious man! And on the subject of freedom...are you free tomorrow evening?"
-Ben
"But what if...what if we could destroy gravity real quick, just for a bit?"
-Taylor
"Dude...after all that kerfuffle, we still got here early!"
-Some random guy in the hall failing at being cool
"One of the few things I bring to this marriage is multiple orgasms."
-Jon McGarry
"I'm a very challenged individual."
-Mr. McCabe
"I don't think most people circumcise their pheasants, Madi."
-Kate, on a very, very late night in Leipzig after too many Cadbury Minieggs and dirty German tongue twisters
"Don't talk about your boom boom sticks. There's a law against that."
-Eric
(To Geoff Scott)
"How do you expect to get girls if you don't do sports?!
You need to have a good body"
Sra Franklin
"Now we're going back to kindergarten where we all raise our hands..."
*grabs a spray bottle and aims it at the class*
"Or- we can go to how I train cats!"
-Mr. Cermak
"It would be very odd to have the Bloc Quebecois in Ontario:
-What are you doing here?
*puts on a French accent*
"Mind your own business."
~Mr. Barker
"Its just like pregnancy! You can't have just one person making noises"
-Mr. O'Connor
"We could all look at that and say, 'It's purple'. Alex O.'s turtle could look at that and go, 'You're all stupid. There are definitely three colours in there' "
-Mr. Cermak
(Totally serious)
"The one who is running the show IZ MEEE!"
-Sra Franklin
*Whistles : rah rah ah ah ah*
"Where you just whistling Lady Gaga?!?!?!?"
"...no...."
-Mr. Barker, Catherine G.
"Gulfs are useless. I WANT BAYS!"
-Jennifer McAlister
(To Morgan who is being abused by Ben)
"Just bite him. I've always found that effective"
"But it's Ben! You don't know where it's been!!"
-Jillian, Morgan
"You know, I just really hate Martin. I didn't know one person could get so much pleasure from being Jewish."
-Maleika
"That's like taking off my glasses, spraying them with shaving cream and saying ' Ok, Mr. Cermak. Go find your way down the hall'."
-Mr. Cermak
(To Martin as an attempted insult)
"Tu eres MUY GUAPO!"
(You are very hot)
-Maleika
"It is true, I do believe that most men should have their penis pampered at least once a month."
-Taylor
"Just because Jesus spent time in the desert doesn't mean i have to give up my smileyfaces"
-Chris Cole
"Clive, I'm going to give you a time out. You are such a CLOWN!"
-Sra. Franklin
"If your email is something like hotsexkitten6969@hotmail.com - consider changing it"
-Mr. Barker
"I'm going to do you orally"
-Sra. Franklin
"Please don't send that letter of concern. I CAN CHANGE!"
-Alex Okuda
"Girls do tend to be more responsible and organized, like if they have to find food and water. Guys are always like "Ha, penis jokes!" Like that fixes anything."
-Ms. Cutts
"It's exothermic. That means out"
*whips open his lab coat*
"Now you'll never forget it. It's probably the only thing you'll remember all year..."
-Mr. Cermak
"You need to be able to breathe before you can worry about whether someone hates your sweater."
-Ms. Cutts
-Ms. Murray/Ostrich
She might as well have said this, anyways.
"But then...he pretended to attack by Belgium!"
"HA HA, I TROLLED YOU!"
-Mr. Barker, Yasmin
*Mr. Barker has a coughing fit*
Yasmin: "Don't die, Mr. Barker!"
Melina: "Yeah, the semester's not over yet!"
Mr. Barker: "Your concern is touching. Really."
"The St. Louis Arch: its base is 192 meters wide."
"If it were a woman, I would marry her."
(awkward silence)
-Ms. Lee, Stefan
"I think I have a bit of a soft spot for Michael J. Fox...he just won't be able to hit it."
-Eric, upping his scale on the offense-o-meter
(after too much optics) "Aaaargh! I don't care about seeing!"
-Alex Okuda (just as a point of reference so that he can't complain if and when he goes blind in 40 years)
"What'cha gonna do? Nothing? That's what I thought. *stomps on ground* Next please!"
-Mr. Barker (he seems to enjoy imitating the embodiment of 1930s Germany)
"The reason for your low mark isn't the fact that you're stupid. The reason for your low mark is because you're lazy and don't do any of the work."
-Mr. Cermak
"I don't like Josh. He kept saying I had a small dick during careers class."
"So what you're saying is you dislike him because he's perceptive?"
-Taylor, Eric
(on a test, to answer the question 'How many times did Germany invade another country before WWII?) "Hitler a invaidé 4 pays avant la guerre. La france, l'Austria, et Tchechosloyqie (2 fois)"
-Geoff
[about a project in which we need to come up with three things to do to someone to show that you care]
Max: I'm not going to give away my tactics.
Christine: Yeah, you're a love machine.
Max: Hey, until you've felt it, you don't know what it's like. I'll do one thing and girls will line up around the block to get me.
Max: [as a pickup line] There is no one I would rather further my genetic line with than you.
"Tell me lies; make me feel good"
-Mr. Barker
"Our Jewish wine is sweet... is yours salty?"
[later]
"Well, what does it taste like?"
"Shit"
-Max, Martin
"In this case the answer is a smiley face pawabowa going hawow!"
-Mr. Tang
Mr. Barker: Do you ever say anything that isn't cynical?
Melina: Look who's talking!
Mr. Barker: Hey, I choose my moments. I'm a cynical sniper.
[Nasha is holding something that looks a helluva lot like a dildo]
Mr. Barker: Nasha.... what is that?
Nasha: It's a microphone.
Mr. Barker: Oh. It looked like something else.
Nasha: Farzad, Mr. Barker thought the same thing you did!
Mr. Barker: Denied. I merely asked what it was. Farzad would have asked if you enjoyed it.
Mr. Barker: Like we say in good French... Venez troubleshooter, Farzad. We can conjugate it into the subjonctif! Que je troubleshooste, que tu troubleshoostes...
Ms. Lee: "So, let's say your going on a trans-Canada flight to--"
Taylor: "Malaysia!"
Ms. Lee: "That's not in Canada...anymore."
(to Taylor) "I could spend all class looking at you..."
-Ms. Lee
"What's the point of the homework?"
"To beat you with the learning stick until you're beaten and covered with..the...blood of...learning? Yeah, that analogy just died."
-Somebody, Eric
" 'Blah blah blah Hitler, je suis la Grande-Bretagne! Je vais t'attaquer maintenant!' 'D'accord, voyons, tu me ménaces la guerre...avec quoi, j'sais pas trop..."
-Mr. Barker
"I'm gonna prove to the world how great I am, I'm gonna go beat myself up some Ethiopians!"
-Mr. Barker
Mr. Barker: "At this point, the Czech had forces that were equal to that of Germany."
Yasmin: *snorts* "First and last time THAT ever happened!
Me: "If I live to be a hundred, I will never forget the sight of Eric dancing around the stage with a gleeful expression on his face."
Ms. Lee: "I know! And with the tights rolled up above his knees, and the pantaloons...[thinks about it]...he has really nice legs, actually!"
Run, Eric, run.
Actually, I love Ms. Lee. You heard me, Tang fangirls.
"Umm...you DO realize that you just got propositioned by your cousin, right?"
-Eric
Apparently, I don't have any gaydar either, because I always thought the male clerk at Select Roses just had problems with his vocal chords or something.
Okuda: "I love how when I look in cars, I look like a midget!"
Janan: "Actually, that's not the car, Alex..."
Mr. Cermak "Oh, I was just about to say that!"
"If I were Buffy the Vampire Slayer, how would you not be like a vampire? I wouldn't want to stick anything hard and wooden into you."
-Eric (the most recent in the "hey ____" series)
"Yessss, I just ACED this quiz!"
"Good job, champ! You did give him the 4th-grade quiz, right Mr. Cermak?"
-Okuda, Kuhn
"Well, it's good to know that when we fail, the kids in Thunder Bay will be failing even harder."
-Madi
"[I'm] allergic to awesome!"
-Max (so what if I paraphrased it?)
"I'm not an outlet for sexy talk!"
-Also Max
"How does one constitute a better max besner than max besner, is it being really awesome, or good at oboe and bass guitar, or just devilishly handsome?"
-Max again, in the same conversation
(from last semester, forgot to put it up)
Sra Franklin: "Okay, we neeed some rules for theee clahss!"
Michael: "How about no mocking, Senora?"
Sra: "What doehs mohckeeeeeeng meeen?"
Entire class: "...MOHCKEEEEENG!"
Sra: "WHAT DOEHS MOHCKEEEENG MEEEN?!"
Josh: "Ugghhh, I'm so going to fail this test..."
Madi: "Hey, you can't complain, because YOU got to miss a whole week of math!"
Josh: "Actually, I can, because my grandma died."
Madi: "...oh."
Frank Lu: I'm Mr. Lube! I'm a car wash. I wash you good, I wash you good.
*Woles randomly appears in the art class*
Ms. Grant: Aren’t you supposed to be in class?
Woles Wahidi: It’s boring. In ICS we’re watching a boring movie.
Ms. Grant: Well does your teacher know you’re here?
Woles Wahidi: I told her I was going to the bathroom.
Ms. Whitfield: What do bears and trains have in common? One student wrote 'They're big and fast and have people in them' and they failed.
Janan: What do Joe and trains have in common?
Eric: They're big and both have Jack inside.
Mr. Meng: Smurfs are these little people that live in mushrooms.
Sara: Are they real?
Mr. Meng: The worst title could be 'Essay'. Or 'History Essay'. Or '5 Paragraph Thingy'.
Kaitlyn: Did you forget to eat my chocolate too?
Glenn: Lemme check... *looks in bag*
David: At least yours is not as breakable...
Glenn: *pulls out bag of fine chocolate dust*
David: Uh... nevermind..
Kendall: You could snort that!
Taylor: "Pilgrimage."
Ms. Whitfield: "Close, but something that starts with J."
Taylor: "Jilgrimage?"
Ms. Whitfield: "Just a heads up, Mr. Tang is NOT the answer to any of the questions, especially question 3." [Question 3 is: Who is the most evil? Why?]
"Fuck you, Passover. I'm just going to go eat some more of my temporary cardboard now. Omnomnomnomnom."
-Josh
"This isn't working out."
"No shit."
-Edson, Maleika [self-explanatory, really]
"I don't understand ANY of this!"
"Hey! You can't complain, because unlike us, YOU just got to miss a whole week of math!"
"Actually, I can, because my grandma died."
"Oh."
-Josh, Madi
(about Stalin) "He was a bitch!" (followed by the incredibly insightful comment "Hitler was an asshole!")
-Melina
"But what if you had a one-may mirror that reflected BOTH ways?"
"Well, Alex, we usually call those windows."
-Okuda, Kuhn
[from December]
Mr. Barker: "The person who keeps the members of the party in check is called the whip--"
*simultaneous whipping noises from everyone in class*
*silence*
Mr. Barker: "You know, I have not taught this class a single year without that happening.
With thanks to Jillian, our newest author!
(who is taking over muahahahahahaha *ahem*)
*Disapparates*
(No she isn't, regularly scheduled programming just had a brief lull while MG was doing important things like failing math tests and being Max Besner's bass roadie). BUT I'M BACK NOW! And I bring tidings of great quotes.
"Gabe, look, I know you want to boost your mark and everything, but do you actually think Ms. Hammond's hot? *Gabe raises eyebrows suggestively* Okay, let's put it this way...is she hotter than the girls on the rowing team?"
"She IS on the rowing team...but she's in a league of her own..."
-Madi, Gabe (there were so many better ones, but then I spontaneously became very tired and forgot them all. For the record, she still hasn't boosted his English mark, despite the number of times he's walked into her class wearing nothing but a rowing shirt, a suggestively raised eyebrow and a large pair of handcuffs).
"...and heere, we haff another rrrelic of the communeests...we don't rreally know what eet is forr...among the locals, wee...usually referr to eet asss...the...uglyblackmonstrosity."
-Helena, Prague tour guide
"..but by zhen she vas too dead to be ze Yoko Ono for Bach!"
-Christian, awesome guide in Koethen
"...und here iss ze spot vhere Bach composed vun off his most famous vorks, ze zymphony in H# minor..."
-Failure music tour guide in Leipzig
Mr. Barker: "It wouldn't matter who was in power during the depression: King, Bennett, Meighen--"
Geoff: "Laurier!"
Yasmin: (outraged) "Laurier was DEAD!"
"Just join track and field already!"
"Don't listen to him, Emma! We have a better sport!"
"Rowing? Yeah right. You sit backwards. You don't even know where you're GOING!"
-Ben, Ning Hao
Maleika: "What?! People with loose morals?! Malayyyyysia maaaannnn...to the rescue!"
Taylor: "Hymmmmnnnnmmmrph..." *codface*
Maleika: "Taylor, as long as we think it's funny, what you say doesn't really matter."
"That's fantastic! We're finally free from that odious man! And on the subject of freedom...are you free tomorrow evening?"
-Ben
"But what if...what if we could destroy gravity real quick, just for a bit?"
-Taylor
"Dude...after all that kerfuffle, we still got here early!"
-Some random guy in the hall failing at being cool
"One of the few things I bring to this marriage is multiple orgasms."
-Jon McGarry
"I'm a very challenged individual."
-Mr. McCabe
"I don't think most people circumcise their pheasants, Madi."
-Kate, on a very, very late night in Leipzig after too many Cadbury Minieggs and dirty German tongue twisters
"Don't talk about your boom boom sticks. There's a law against that."
-Eric
(To Geoff Scott)
"How do you expect to get girls if you don't do sports?!
You need to have a good body"
Sra Franklin
"Now we're going back to kindergarten where we all raise our hands..."
*grabs a spray bottle and aims it at the class*
"Or- we can go to how I train cats!"
-Mr. Cermak
"It would be very odd to have the Bloc Quebecois in Ontario:
-What are you doing here?
*puts on a French accent*
"Mind your own business."
~Mr. Barker
"Its just like pregnancy! You can't have just one person making noises"
-Mr. O'Connor
"We could all look at that and say, 'It's purple'. Alex O.'s turtle could look at that and go, 'You're all stupid. There are definitely three colours in there' "
-Mr. Cermak
(Totally serious)
"The one who is running the show IZ MEEE!"
-Sra Franklin
*Whistles : rah rah ah ah ah*
"Where you just whistling Lady Gaga?!?!?!?"
"...no...."
-Mr. Barker, Catherine G.
"Gulfs are useless. I WANT BAYS!"
-Jennifer McAlister
(To Morgan who is being abused by Ben)
"Just bite him. I've always found that effective"
"But it's Ben! You don't know where it's been!!"
-Jillian, Morgan
"You know, I just really hate Martin. I didn't know one person could get so much pleasure from being Jewish."
-Maleika
"That's like taking off my glasses, spraying them with shaving cream and saying ' Ok, Mr. Cermak. Go find your way down the hall'."
-Mr. Cermak
(To Martin as an attempted insult)
"Tu eres MUY GUAPO!"
(You are very hot)
-Maleika
"It is true, I do believe that most men should have their penis pampered at least once a month."
-Taylor
"Just because Jesus spent time in the desert doesn't mean i have to give up my smileyfaces"
-Chris Cole
"Clive, I'm going to give you a time out. You are such a CLOWN!"
-Sra. Franklin
"If your email is something like hotsexkitten6969@hotmail.com - consider changing it"
-Mr. Barker
"I'm going to do you orally"
-Sra. Franklin
"Please don't send that letter of concern. I CAN CHANGE!"
-Alex Okuda
"Girls do tend to be more responsible and organized, like if they have to find food and water. Guys are always like "Ha, penis jokes!" Like that fixes anything."
-Ms. Cutts
"It's exothermic. That means out"
*whips open his lab coat*
"Now you'll never forget it. It's probably the only thing you'll remember all year..."
-Mr. Cermak
"You need to be able to breathe before you can worry about whether someone hates your sweater."
-Ms. Cutts
"It's not a love affair, it's an affair where he gives you money and negligees and you lie around suggestively all day on his baby grand piano. How many times do I have to explain this to you?!"
-Madi
"And then verily, God said unto Moses: 'Thou art playing with the big boys now'."
-Exodus. Look it up, I'll bet my dreidel on it.
"Unggghhh!"
"Taylor, I don't want to know what you're doing."
"I'm...pattin' my belly!"
-Taylor, Ms. Lee
"How strong's your stomach acid?"
"We're going to be testing that later, actually. Does anybody have a scalpel?"
-Vincent D., Mr. Cermak
"Alex! Stop your little dance and get to work!"
"But I was just explaining the Michael Bublé musical dance number from the closing ceremonies!"
"I don't want to hear about Michael Bublé right now! (mumbles) Or ever, really..."
-Mr. Cermak, Okuda
"Hello, I have a penis."
-Taylor, using his classiest pickup line
Vincent Dragnea: "Ziyi, I need your help for the final ion test."
Ziyi: "What?"
"Pour these chemicals on your hand, and tell me which ones burn the most."
(Ziyi edges away slowly)
"So what is the literacy test designed to test?"
"Patience."
-David Wilson, Ms. Cutts
"There was this one time where I was eating popcorn and I felt this weird irritation and I thought 'Hey, there must be a popcorn shard up my nose!' And then I got a cold."
-Max
(after scaring Clive)
"Am I that ugly?"
-Sra Franklin
"It's not incest if you keep it in the family."
-Maleika
Mr. Barker (about Olympic predictions):
"Whatever they're smoking, I want some."
Mr. Cermak: "Instead of doing something long and expensive we just do a quick and dirty test."
(About not filling out option sheets on time)
Luca: "Well.. do I go somewhere?"
Mr. Tang: "Yes. Glebe."
Mr. Cermak: "You know Alex [Okuda], what you could do is meet me outside of class time and beg for mercy."
Sra Franklin: "Llenar means to feeeeeeel up.
*the class laughs*
No no, to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiill up."
Mr. Tang: "Kate, you're on the border line. What's on the other side? Landmines."
Madi: "Once you get past his PhD in pretention, you're okay."
Sra Franklin: "I'm going to bed because I am hot... that is not right."
Mr. Tang: "Today's lesson: Ways two lines meet. That could be a romance movie, starring Tom Hanks. [...] This line is like Line 2 where art thou? And these ones mate once and go their own ways... yes I know: a one night stand. Its so wrong. I can just see this on the city-wide exam: They had a one night stand. Somehow this will go back to the principal and he'll be like 'This isn't Vegas' ".
"You can't just go up to people and say 'You've never done this, so you can't criticize it'! I can criticize Hitler, can't I?"
-Eric
"Let Eric go first."
(laughs maniacally) "You say that like I have any idea what's going on. Which is your first problem."
-Garrett Hardy, Eric
"And entry for universities is especially competitive in America, because they have 52 states."
-Mrs. Green
"...so nitrate's like 'ooh, copper's waaay hotter'. So take the example of lead, iodine, potassium, and um, nitrate. They're in relationships, but they ALL think the other one's partner is hotter. So...they, uh, swap."
-Mr. Cermak
(unironically)
"Nitroglycerin is the bomb!"
-Melina
"On another sidenote; Parenting. I think it’s lost its meaning. I mean, there’s a high school course for parenting. I think it should be a requirement that you are at least 3 months pregnant to take that course, because there is no other reason why you would ever take it when you could take something like AP Calculus. And besides, who are we talking about? This is Lisgar. We don’t even have time to do stuff outside of homework, let alone have sex. Plus, we’re too cheap to buy condoms. Just get a doritos bag or something, I don’t care."
-Josh
(In English class, talking about 'Balablok')
Taylor: "What is the message?"
Ms. Whitfield: "And?"
Taylor: "What is the about?"
Ms. Whitfield: "What? No. Fail."
Taylor: "Hey, what did you get for your personality quiz in careers? I got orange! Which means I'm like Napoleon!"
Eric: "As in, short and with a dissatisfying penis? Yes, I think so."
"Don't look at my undies! Does this scab look infected to you?"
-Taylor
"I think it's very hypocritical, because the Americans are like 'Oooh, independence', and then they're like 'We're going to take over Canada' and then we're like 'you bloody bastards!' "
-Yasmin Cazorla-Bak
Eric: "So you wore your shirt that said 'On the rebound, you'll do' on the first week of school?"
Taylor: "Yep. The chicks loved it. But not Ms. Isaac."
Dmitri: "You know, I was thinking of wearing my 'I pwn noobs' shirt to school sometime."
Eric: "Chicks love a guy who can pwn noobs."
Ms. Lee: "But why? Why do we find 'x' in the first place? Why?"
Josh: (very confusedly) "Because...you told us to?
"Andre should be strangled."
"What is it with you and eliminating people from the gene pool?"
"But they're not eliminated! Well, not yet. But they will be. Soon."
-Taylor, Eric
Sra. Franklin: "We are going to have a review test and its called 'Review Test'."
Sra. Franklin : "Do you do it with your brother?"
Sra. Franklin: "If you put your phone on vibrate and someone texts you then you are sitting there feeling that sensation, wondering who's texting you."
"Does being a vampire slayer count as a learning disability?"
-Madi
Mr. Cermak: Why do science rooms have two doors?
Stefan : Because of Karl.
Mrs. Whitfield (to Josh) :
Ahd then you can start dating Tinkerbell, and have little midget children that can fly!
Mrs. Laundry: "Qu'est ce que c'est?!"
Chris C. : "... Un chapeau?"
Mrs. L : "Ce n'est pas un chapeau, c'est un horreur!"
"Where did you come from?"
"I apparated, Sir."
-Mr. Derry, Madi
-Exodus. Look it up, I'll bet my dreidel on it.
"Unggghhh!"
"Taylor, I don't want to know what you're doing."
"I'm...pattin' my belly!"
-Taylor, Ms. Lee
"How strong's your stomach acid?"
"We're going to be testing that later, actually. Does anybody have a scalpel?"
-Vincent D., Mr. Cermak
"Alex! Stop your little dance and get to work!"
"But I was just explaining the Michael Bublé musical dance number from the closing ceremonies!"
"I don't want to hear about Michael Bublé right now! (mumbles) Or ever, really..."
-Mr. Cermak, Okuda
"Hello, I have a penis."
-Taylor, using his classiest pickup line
Vincent Dragnea: "Ziyi, I need your help for the final ion test."
Ziyi: "What?"
"Pour these chemicals on your hand, and tell me which ones burn the most."
(Ziyi edges away slowly)
"So what is the literacy test designed to test?"
"Patience."
-David Wilson, Ms. Cutts
"There was this one time where I was eating popcorn and I felt this weird irritation and I thought 'Hey, there must be a popcorn shard up my nose!' And then I got a cold."
-Max
(after scaring Clive)
"Am I that ugly?"
-Sra Franklin
"It's not incest if you keep it in the family."
-Maleika
Mr. Barker (about Olympic predictions):
"Whatever they're smoking, I want some."
Mr. Cermak: "Instead of doing something long and expensive we just do a quick and dirty test."
(About not filling out option sheets on time)
Luca: "Well.. do I go somewhere?"
Mr. Tang: "Yes. Glebe."
Mr. Cermak: "You know Alex [Okuda], what you could do is meet me outside of class time and beg for mercy."
Sra Franklin: "Llenar means to feeeeeeel up.
*the class laughs*
No no, to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiill up."
Mr. Tang: "Kate, you're on the border line. What's on the other side? Landmines."
Madi: "Once you get past his PhD in pretention, you're okay."
Sra Franklin: "I'm going to bed because I am hot... that is not right."
Mr. Tang: "Today's lesson: Ways two lines meet. That could be a romance movie, starring Tom Hanks. [...] This line is like Line 2 where art thou? And these ones mate once and go their own ways... yes I know: a one night stand. Its so wrong. I can just see this on the city-wide exam: They had a one night stand. Somehow this will go back to the principal and he'll be like 'This isn't Vegas' ".
"You can't just go up to people and say 'You've never done this, so you can't criticize it'! I can criticize Hitler, can't I?"
-Eric
"Let Eric go first."
(laughs maniacally) "You say that like I have any idea what's going on. Which is your first problem."
-Garrett Hardy, Eric
"And entry for universities is especially competitive in America, because they have 52 states."
-Mrs. Green
"...so nitrate's like 'ooh, copper's waaay hotter'. So take the example of lead, iodine, potassium, and um, nitrate. They're in relationships, but they ALL think the other one's partner is hotter. So...they, uh, swap."
-Mr. Cermak
(unironically)
"Nitroglycerin is the bomb!"
-Melina
"On another sidenote; Parenting. I think it’s lost its meaning. I mean, there’s a high school course for parenting. I think it should be a requirement that you are at least 3 months pregnant to take that course, because there is no other reason why you would ever take it when you could take something like AP Calculus. And besides, who are we talking about? This is Lisgar. We don’t even have time to do stuff outside of homework, let alone have sex. Plus, we’re too cheap to buy condoms. Just get a doritos bag or something, I don’t care."
-Josh
(In English class, talking about 'Balablok')
Taylor: "What is the message?"
Ms. Whitfield: "And?"
Taylor: "What is the about?"
Ms. Whitfield: "What? No. Fail."
Taylor: "Hey, what did you get for your personality quiz in careers? I got orange! Which means I'm like Napoleon!"
Eric: "As in, short and with a dissatisfying penis? Yes, I think so."
"Don't look at my undies! Does this scab look infected to you?"
-Taylor
"I think it's very hypocritical, because the Americans are like 'Oooh, independence', and then they're like 'We're going to take over Canada' and then we're like 'you bloody bastards!' "
-Yasmin Cazorla-Bak
Eric: "So you wore your shirt that said 'On the rebound, you'll do' on the first week of school?"
Taylor: "Yep. The chicks loved it. But not Ms. Isaac."
Dmitri: "You know, I was thinking of wearing my 'I pwn noobs' shirt to school sometime."
Eric: "Chicks love a guy who can pwn noobs."
Ms. Lee: "But why? Why do we find 'x' in the first place? Why?"
Josh: (very confusedly) "Because...you told us to?
"Andre should be strangled."
"What is it with you and eliminating people from the gene pool?"
"But they're not eliminated! Well, not yet. But they will be. Soon."
-Taylor, Eric
Sra. Franklin: "We are going to have a review test and its called 'Review Test'."
Sra. Franklin : "Do you do it with your brother?"
Sra. Franklin: "If you put your phone on vibrate and someone texts you then you are sitting there feeling that sensation, wondering who's texting you."
"Does being a vampire slayer count as a learning disability?"
-Madi
Mr. Cermak: Why do science rooms have two doors?
Stefan : Because of Karl.
Mrs. Whitfield (to Josh) :
Ahd then you can start dating Tinkerbell, and have little midget children that can fly!
Mrs. Laundry: "Qu'est ce que c'est?!"
Chris C. : "... Un chapeau?"
Mrs. L : "Ce n'est pas un chapeau, c'est un horreur!"
"Where did you come from?"
"I apparated, Sir."
-Mr. Derry, Madi
"What are you doing? Are you...are you blocking me on facebook? That's rude!"
"Yes. It's necessary self-defense."
"Well, you know, I could always just make a fake identity and stalk you that way, like that Avery boy on your profile."
-Maleika's mother, Maleika
"I don't really know anybody who would just have a fling. Except for Taylor. But he's not really human. He's...a walking libido."
-Christine
-Christine
"I just wanted to let you know, Roxanne is a very special song to me. In my head, it is perfect. And I would like it to stay that way. So please, stop singing it."
-Ms. Jarvis
"Here, I'll yoink the dongle." (???)
-Martin
"I'm the best Gabe of them all!"
-Kuhn
"Enrique Iglesias's first album was named "Enrique Iglesias, and his second was named "Enrique". Hasn't anybody noticed that he's a serious egomaniac?"
-Colin
(to Martin)
"If I'm The Ugly One, what does that make you?"
"Lavish!"
-Madi, Gabe
"Your dad's name is John? I thought it was Abraham [...] Oh, you had a family gathering? Did you eat pork?"
-Kate, being as blatantly (yet somehow inoffensively) racist as possible
"Would you consider wanting to rape someone as love?"
"If you're Taylor!"
"Is this a personal question, Alex?"
-Okuda, Maleika, Kuhn
"Don't worry, Clive. Janan sucks at slapping."
"No, it's because you flinched!"
"Of course I flinched, you were slapping me!"
-Michael, Janan
Romeo: "Julieeeeetttttt!!!"
Jae Kim: "Wilsooooonnnnnnnn!!!"
"I don't want a falafel deciding who I am!"
-Ms. Whitfield
"And by published, I don't mean something off Joe Bob's poems dot com".
-Ms. Hammond
"Finally, now I can hand in my Chrysalids erotic fan fiction and not be ostracized!"
-Kuhn
"I'm going to shove that butt plug so far up your butt that you'll die from lack of shit!"
-Avery (this is why we don't talk to him)
"If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?"
"A mullet!"
-Maleika, Taylor
"Senor Patricio, geeve me yur ipohd!"
"Actually, I'm not listening to it."
"Oh, suuure." (*marches over to him and discovers that he is not, in fact, listening to his ipod*)
"...I was just, uh, scratching myself."
"Well theees is awkwarrd!"
-Sra Franklin, Patrick
(hands back essay)
"Hey Maleika, not to gloat or anything, but...I sort of got a higher mark on my essay than you."
(glances at it) "Oh, that's Kate's."
"Oh. (turns around) Hey Kate, I BEAT you! Suck it!"
-Kuhn, Maleika
"Every time you get the question wrong, I get your chocolate (*pats stomach fondly*). I've been teaching the subjunctive for many years now..."
-Mr. Derry
(in-class discussion on 'The Chrysalids')
"Okay, I've got another point! So one day I was on Wikipedia looking up colossal squids..."
-Stefan
"I don't like you anymore."
"I never liked you in the first place."
-Avery, Glenn
Mr. Arrigo: "I was once told to sing tenor. Tenor fifteen miles away!"
(class laughs)
Benson: "I don't get it."
Arrigo: "Tenor fifteen miles...ten or fifteen miles?"
Benson: "I still don't get it."
(awkward silence)
Arrigo "Let us have a moment of silence for this joke...it just died."
Robin: "Sir, are we done learning yet?"
Mr. Derry: "I'm not sure you ever started..."
Stefan: "I read a study the other day. It proves that subconsciously, we prefer tall people. Taller people are smarter, stronger, make more money, like their jobs more, are more important, are happier, get better dates, have better sex--"
Okuda: "Aww, damn." (gets up and walks out of classroom)
Kuhn: "Look what you did, you six-foot-tall BASTARD!
"Taylor's bug fighting thing looks like a beetle and fat guy a ejaculated inside a unicorn and produced the worst thing ever."
-Stefan
[this is paraphrased, by the way; this conversation has happened numerous times, and has gone on for up to half an hour]
(at the dinner table with most of my relatives, unfortunately)
Aunt Elizabeth: "Madeleine! I've been looking at your Facebook profile again!"
Me: "You mean, stalking me."
"I'm only extending my privileges as your godmother! Look, I've noticed that you're just out of a relationship, and he's posting heartbroken messages on your wall! And he looks like a goth!"
"Oh, you mean Alex Rochon? Funny story, actually; we're not going out, see--"
"Right, because you just broke up."
"No, it was a sort of cover--"
"Uh-huh. Been laying on the alcohol a little heavily there?"
"NO! For the zillionth time, Aunt Liz, I'm not an alkie!"
"You just keep right on telling yourself that, sweetie. And FURTHERMORE, I've noticed this guy who keeps commenting on everything you do on Facebook! EVERYTHING! His name's kind of nerdy...starts with an 'm'..."
"Max?"
"No...he has lots of pictures of himself on vacation? I've looked through them all."
"Oh, you mean Martin!"
"Yes, that's the one. Tell him to stop stalking you!"
"HIM stalking me?! YOU'RE stalking me!"
"No, I'm just looking out for your well-being."
[my sister injerjects] "He's Jewwwwwishh!"
[my mother...] "Yes...it seems my daughter is quite the shiksa!"
(I cover my face with my hands)
^^and that is my Christmas holiday summed up.
(autobiography)
Patrick: "How do you say 'adult'?"
Sra Franklin: "Adulto."
Patrick: "How do you say 'explicit'?"
*class laughs*
Franklin: "What does that mean?"
Patrick: "Not what you think!"
"Yeah, Dan Akroyd!"
"I think Janan has a man-crush on him."
-Janan, Patrick
"OMG, it's Jesus!"
"No, it's Vidhant...but I can see how you could make that mistake."
-Maleika, Kuhn
"Well, there's only two people in the world: Martin and himself."
-Kate
(imitating Sisi)
"III am note syyykolohjeecalee preepared!"
-Sra Frankleeeen
"Boys, I know you like touching young men, but please restrain yourselves!"
-Mr. Barker
[completely seriously] "What did you do last night? Did you light your menorah? Did you sing your little prayers?"
(silence)
"That...was the most patronizing thing I've ever heard."
*KATEFACE WIN*!
-Kate, Teddy/Martin/Goytin
"I can't hear you!"
"I don't WANT to hear you!"
-Gabe, Ms. Hammond
(Canadian history summative)
"No Celine Dion. That is the only rule."
-Mr. Meng
"By famous person, I don't mean your half-dead grandmother who taught you everything you ever needed to know about life and love."
-Ms. Hammond
(Spanish summative)
"Quick, give me a Jewish name."
[thinks] "Josh McCarthy."
"No, something more obvious."
"Martin Lunn."
"No, it can't be anybody I know-"
"Lartin Munn."
"No! I have to pretend that I marry them in my autobiography!"
"Oh. [thinks about it for a long time] Snippy penor?"
"Alex!!!"
(etc.)
-Madi, Alex O.
"Why is she crying?"
"Because she's sad."
"Why is she sad?"
"Women have EMOTIONS!"
-Michael, Janan
"There's a lot to be said about a good fistfight. They solve a lot of problems very quickly."
-Ms. Whitfield
(about the ending of Romeo and Juliet)
"Evan already ruined it for me."
"Jerk."
-Colin, Ms. Whitfield
"It's like people who eat solely organic food and then get cancer."
-Luca
"Some people believe that I have ancestry reaching all the way back to the Tang dynasty, which lasted more than 500 years. It was very ruthless. If there was even a hint of rebellion *smashes fist on desk* it was crushed."
"My last name is Li. Was there a Li dynasty?"
-Mr. Tang, Dawei
(about pronouns being a certain way)
"You think that it is, Madam Kuntzman thinks that it is. But you're both WRONG. D'accord, 'il me semble que...' [pause] Don't tell her anything I say! 'que...de...' [pause] She'll kill me."
-Mr. Derry
(in the middle of Spanish summative, out of nowhere)
Okuda: "Hey, what happens if you die in Narnia? Could they just toss you out of the wardrobe and hey, you'd be alive again?"
Dewalt: "That's actually a really interesting question..."
Patrick: "What if you did it with Tumnus? What would happen to him?"
Okuda: "Yeah, would he become half-human?"
Max "Pablo" Schlossy: "Nah, he'd become half...whatever the hell he is now."
Dewalt: "Fawn."
Pablo: "That's it."
Okuda: "Sooo, half goat?"
Sra. Franklin: "FOCUS! Dios mio..."
(people screaming in the hall) "You didn't CATCH me!
[silence]
(mutters) "Good to know..."
-Mr. Barker
(to Julie)
"Here, put this penny on your head. Now I take out a hammer and hit you over the head with it. You know why? [silence] Because I'm trying to knock some cents into you! [longer silence]
-Mr. Tang
Mr. Arrigo: "Did you take your saxophone home on Friday?
Liang: "No."
Mr. Arrigo: "Thursday? (getting annoyed] Wednesday? Tuesday? No? So-"
Liang: "I have a saxophone at home."
"Geese are basically just big cows with wings."
-Mr. Tang
Glenn: "Avery, you didn't go to orchestra! Mr O was so pissed!"
Avery: "I waited for my bus like I would for orchestra and I JUST GOT HERE NOW."
Glenn: "Well my dog ate my C-string peg. And then my fish ate my dog."
Eric S: "It was a very big fish."
David: "And then he fought a dragon."
Glenn: "And then my fish got stuck in this 20 millimeter fan and it got shredded, so my C-string peg is gone, and I still came. So suck it up."
Justin: "What's échouer?"
Haofan: "Yeah."
Justin:"What?"
Haofan: "Yeah."
Justin: "What's échouer!"
Haofan: "It is!"
Martin: "To fail."
Haofan: "OH! WHAT IS!"
"I'm like, 'Tessellate my cheese slices, moron!' "
-Josh
"I think you would have made a VERY good Mr. Ruff."
"Thanks, but I'm not as bald."
-Clive, Mr. Barker
"So if every sperm counts as half a life, then technically, every time you blow your wad it's twice as many people killed as the Holocaust. Which makes Taylor about a billion times worse than Hitler."
-Alex R.
"Do you want this candy?"
"Why...what did you do with it?"
"Nothing, I just don't like candy."
"Do you not like to suck things?"
"Yes, just not candy! (pause) Oh, oops."
(smugly) "Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha! You were ASKING for that one! Heh heh. Hey, I'm going to tell that one to the person who has that online list of quotes, and they're gonna put it up, and you're gonna be OWNED!"
"That's my Quotebook, you idiot."
-Madi, Avery Kennedy (although I guess he did win, in a way, because now it's up)
(to Luca)
"Could you at least try to be conscious during this class, please?"
-Mr. Derry
(presenting) "Megan Fox was an A-cup before, but now she's a large B-cup! (pause) At least, that's what I read."
"It seems you did some very thorough research..."
-Okuda, Sra Franklin
(while strumming a severely out-of-tune guitar)
"My name is Martin Lunn,
And girl, you are the one
Lawlz at you!"
-Maleika
"Your friends can call you 'sex kitten sixty-nine sixty-nine' all they want!"
-Mr. Barker
"Hire me, I can't spell my own name!"
-Morgan Williams
(after visiting King's Cross) "Did you know that you can seriously hurt yourself running into brick walls? At least now I know that Platform 9 3/4 is a bitch."
-Maleika
"Even if I had huge tits, I'd still be able to walk like a duck."
-Madi
[take this one OFF, Maleika!]
[Hey, Madikins, if you can add wee comments to it, you have the capability of taking it off yourself. So please, it's evident you want it on. Now stfu]
(talking about literacy test to Julie) " 'Mr. Tang, can I have the booklet to write in?' 'No.' 'Why?' 'Because I'm going to fail you.' "
-Mr. Tang
"So they have sex on cow dung?"
"Well, kinda sounds like fun, but no."
-Jack, Julie
"How do birds reproduce?"
"They get it onnnnnnnn!"
-Luca Mera, Ms. Engel
(health class)
"Is curry healthy for you? Like, not the packaged stuff. The stuff Indian people make."
-Keith Pike
"Mme Constantin, that she-devil."
-Mr. Derry
(as part of an essay on his literacy test)
"...they were throwing around scantily clad women like it was Mardi Gras."
-Kuhn
"I'm the alpha Jew!"
-Max Besner
"Are yeh...are yeh slappin' yer loins?"
-Christine
(in a misguided effort to calm us down)
"Clap once...*class claps once*...clap twice...*class claps twice*...clap once...*Dawei claps three times*...You fail, Dawei."
-Ms. Hammond
"You walk into the cafeteria...suddenly, you see this really cute guy. Or girl. And you say 'Oh my God, I have to have them!' Three days later, you're both dead."
-Ms. Hammond
"Guys, you need to play the Brandenburg right! Slow, fast, slow, fast...like my wife!"
-Mr. O'Conner
(about her ear piercings)
(loudly) "My third hole's getting infected!"
*every male head in the room turns*
"But Ms. Hammond said not to do part one!"
"Well Ms. Hammond's said a lot of things...'burn villages'...'kill babies'...'Good job, Avery'..."
-Someone, Kuhn
"The three arch-demons of hell: Lucifer, Azazel, and Scrumptious. He's the gay one."
-Eric
(after much pressuring, and with lots of hand gestures, as is his way)
"Okay, fine, I'll tell you a damn story! Once, I went into the closet, and I banged my head against the wall. While I was unconscious, I had a dream about a fantasy world where weird goat creatures talked to me and beavers talked and I dreamed I was King Peter the Magnificent! Then when I woke up, I went and told everybody that it was real, and they felt so bad about it because it was such a stupid story that they pretended to believe me, and then they wrote a book about it because they thought I was stupid too so they took pity on me. So yeah, that's the story about the time I went to Narnia."
-Sandro
"Oh, you mean 'Mrs. Robinson' by Simon & Garfunkel? I like that song! Actually, wait, who wouldn't love a song about a horny mother?"
-Daniel
"He looks like a fucking rapist!"
"Well, as opposed to a non-fucking rapist. They're very uncommon."
-Melina Cazorla-Bak, Eric Stewart
"Actually, he's really awesome, but kind of opaque."
"Like a really cool glass jar?"
"Taylor, it's good to have you back. You and your obtuseness."
"Thanks! Wait, obtuseness? Isn't that some Native word for 'awesome'?"
-Madi, Taylor
"The Franco-Prussian War? Uhh, sometime in the 1800s..."
"19 July, 1870, to May 10th, 1871, actually."
"How do you know that?! I was there, and I don't remember it! Tabernacle..."
-Mr. Derry, Gregory
"He wants a one-night stand."
" 'SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS!' "
"Exactement! -pause- euhhhhh...scar, but..."
-Mr. Derry, Geoff
"Talk to me, Issa! Pretend I'm Oprah!"
-Clive Littlejohn
" 'Oh, what did you get? What did you get? That's so WHACK!"
-Mr. Barker
"WHAT is that squeaking?"
"It's the mice that run to turn the wheel for the heater. I feed them every morning before you get here."
-Luca, Ms. Whitfield
"Put it back in your pants, Josh."
-Martin
"You could dress up as Piggy, or Winston Churchill, or, I dunno, Hitler, Avery...just don't wear it all day or people will hurt you."
-Ms. Hammond
"Let's pretend we're taking this seriously."
-Mr. Barker
Announcement: *static*
Class: *stops what they're doing*
Announcement: (kid's voice)...Hello?
Mr. Tang: *walks up to intercom, then speaks into it* Hang up the phone now before I start tracking which room this is coming from.
Announcement: *static, then sound of fumbling receiver hanging up*
Jack: (in the middle of math class) *loudly* YUFEI BROKE MY BOOB!
Mr. McCabe: The stuff my hands are made of have been around for 13.5 billion years, as old as the universe.
Daniel L: *rubs his arm* I'm touching your grandma's grandma...
"Umm, my group is Jenn, Kaitlyn, and Qufei, and we want to DO Bill Gates!"
-Jenn Wu
"You know, Roger Federer is married..."
"Well I could be the house breaker...home breaker...homewrecker."
-Bridget, Julie
"Who lost their balls?"
-Ms. Martino
"If I see 'An Inconvenient Truth' one more time, I'm gonna go to Al Gore's house and stab him. And I'm not gonna stab him with something green and fuel-efficient!"
-Daniel Wilson
"You're not supposed to nosebleed into a urinal!"
-Mr. Creelman
"I want to lick my shirt."
-Mark Xue
"Why don't you just fail us all, then?"
"Oh, I will. And it will be an epic fail."
-Someone, Ms. Isaac
"You shouldn't tell your friends the answers or...they'll own you."
-Mr. Creelman
"Would you like some scones with your waning gibbous?"
-David Xia
(in movie, while Che Guevara is speaking to a bald Chilean farmer)
"Wait, I get it! That's Gandhi, right?"
-Sisi
(for the record, it was snowing outside)
[in Spanish] "Does it snow in your country?"
"Uhhhh...I don't remember?"
"OH MY--Holee Macaroneee!"
-Sra Franklin, Nathan
"It's so quiet today, it's because Alex Okuda's not here!"
"Sisi...he's right over there..."
-Sisi Ye, Michael Baker
"I radiate wisdom!"
-Hao Cheng
(said without a trace of irony)
"If Hitler were alive today, his favourite country would be Israel."
-Alex Rochon
Madi: "People should at least have the common decency to clean their blood off the toilet seat!"
Kuhn: "Well, if you're bleeding on the toilet seat, then you clearly have more pressing matters than that!"
Christine: "No, Alex, it's a women's washroom."
(stunned silence)
"Why do you hang out with Jacob? All he does is hurt you!"
"But, but..."
"Nathan, he stabbed you!"
"Oh yeah...and he kind of ripped my underwear too..."
-Colin, Nathan
"Ay hwant you oll to mayke a chit shit!"
-Sra. Franklin
"Holy Jeepers Creepers!"
-Colin Champagne
"How many asprins does an Englishman have to take? Four, one for each corner of his head! Hehehehehehehehehe..."
-Mr. Derry
"Yeah, well, that's just Dmitri. He's Russian, so he's allowed to be uncultured and savage. Uhhh...no offense, Dmitri."
-Christine
"Martin, I want your lips!"
-Taylor
(after several prolonged squeals of joy)
"Oh my God, I think I'm a girl."
-Maleika
Ms. Hammond: "Ryan Liu, if this class all becomes sick, I am personally blaming you!"
Ryan Liu: "But.."
Ms. Hammond: "Just keep it in your shirt!"
Ryan Liu: "But I have asthma!"
David Xia: (automatically) "SUCKS TO YOUR ASS-MAR!"
"You know what I've realized? Jack Merridew from Lord of the Flies and Jack Krentz are exactly the same person!"
"Except Jack Merridew can sing!"
-Maleika, Kuhn
"Alex, slap him!"
"Alex, focus! And grow a bit..."
-Alex Okuda, Vidhant Pal
(talking about literacy test to Julie) " 'Mr. Tang, can I have the booklet to write in?' 'No.' 'Why?' 'Because I'm going to fail you.' "
-Mr. Tang
"So they have sex on cow dung?"
"Well, kinda sounds like fun, but no."
-Jack, Julie
"How do birds reproduce?"
"They get it onnnnnnnn!"
-Luca Mera, Ms. Engel
(health class)
"Is curry healthy for you? Like, not the packaged stuff. The stuff Indian people make."
-Keith Pike
"Mme Constantin, that she-devil."
-Mr. Derry
(as part of an essay on his literacy test)
"...they were throwing around scantily clad women like it was Mardi Gras."
-Kuhn
"I'm the alpha Jew!"
-Max Besner
"Are yeh...are yeh slappin' yer loins?"
-Christine
(in a misguided effort to calm us down)
"Clap once...*class claps once*...clap twice...*class claps twice*...clap once...*Dawei claps three times*...You fail, Dawei."
-Ms. Hammond
"You walk into the cafeteria...suddenly, you see this really cute guy. Or girl. And you say 'Oh my God, I have to have them!' Three days later, you're both dead."
-Ms. Hammond
"Guys, you need to play the Brandenburg right! Slow, fast, slow, fast...like my wife!"
-Mr. O'Conner
(about her ear piercings)
(loudly) "My third hole's getting infected!"
*every male head in the room turns*
"But Ms. Hammond said not to do part one!"
"Well Ms. Hammond's said a lot of things...'burn villages'...'kill babies'...'Good job, Avery'..."
-Someone, Kuhn
"The three arch-demons of hell: Lucifer, Azazel, and Scrumptious. He's the gay one."
-Eric
(after much pressuring, and with lots of hand gestures, as is his way)
"Okay, fine, I'll tell you a damn story! Once, I went into the closet, and I banged my head against the wall. While I was unconscious, I had a dream about a fantasy world where weird goat creatures talked to me and beavers talked and I dreamed I was King Peter the Magnificent! Then when I woke up, I went and told everybody that it was real, and they felt so bad about it because it was such a stupid story that they pretended to believe me, and then they wrote a book about it because they thought I was stupid too so they took pity on me. So yeah, that's the story about the time I went to Narnia."
-Sandro
"Oh, you mean 'Mrs. Robinson' by Simon & Garfunkel? I like that song! Actually, wait, who wouldn't love a song about a horny mother?"
-Daniel
"He looks like a fucking rapist!"
"Well, as opposed to a non-fucking rapist. They're very uncommon."
-Melina Cazorla-Bak, Eric Stewart
"Actually, he's really awesome, but kind of opaque."
"Like a really cool glass jar?"
"Taylor, it's good to have you back. You and your obtuseness."
"Thanks! Wait, obtuseness? Isn't that some Native word for 'awesome'?"
-Madi, Taylor
"The Franco-Prussian War? Uhh, sometime in the 1800s..."
"19 July, 1870, to May 10th, 1871, actually."
"How do you know that?! I was there, and I don't remember it! Tabernacle..."
-Mr. Derry, Gregory
"He wants a one-night stand."
" 'SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS!' "
"Exactement! -pause- euhhhhh...scar, but..."
-Mr. Derry, Geoff
"Talk to me, Issa! Pretend I'm Oprah!"
-Clive Littlejohn
" 'Oh, what did you get? What did you get? That's so WHACK!"
-Mr. Barker
"WHAT is that squeaking?"
"It's the mice that run to turn the wheel for the heater. I feed them every morning before you get here."
-Luca, Ms. Whitfield
"Put it back in your pants, Josh."
-Martin
"You could dress up as Piggy, or Winston Churchill, or, I dunno, Hitler, Avery...just don't wear it all day or people will hurt you."
-Ms. Hammond
"Let's pretend we're taking this seriously."
-Mr. Barker
Announcement: *static*
Class: *stops what they're doing*
Announcement: (kid's voice)...Hello?
Mr. Tang: *walks up to intercom, then speaks into it* Hang up the phone now before I start tracking which room this is coming from.
Announcement: *static, then sound of fumbling receiver hanging up*
Jack: (in the middle of math class) *loudly* YUFEI BROKE MY BOOB!
Mr. McCabe: The stuff my hands are made of have been around for 13.5 billion years, as old as the universe.
Daniel L: *rubs his arm* I'm touching your grandma's grandma...
"Umm, my group is Jenn, Kaitlyn, and Qufei, and we want to DO Bill Gates!"
-Jenn Wu
"You know, Roger Federer is married..."
"Well I could be the house breaker...home breaker...homewrecker."
-Bridget, Julie
"Who lost their balls?"
-Ms. Martino
"If I see 'An Inconvenient Truth' one more time, I'm gonna go to Al Gore's house and stab him. And I'm not gonna stab him with something green and fuel-efficient!"
-Daniel Wilson
"You're not supposed to nosebleed into a urinal!"
-Mr. Creelman
"I want to lick my shirt."
-Mark Xue
"Why don't you just fail us all, then?"
"Oh, I will. And it will be an epic fail."
-Someone, Ms. Isaac
"You shouldn't tell your friends the answers or...they'll own you."
-Mr. Creelman
"Would you like some scones with your waning gibbous?"
-David Xia
(in movie, while Che Guevara is speaking to a bald Chilean farmer)
"Wait, I get it! That's Gandhi, right?"
-Sisi
(for the record, it was snowing outside)
[in Spanish] "Does it snow in your country?"
"Uhhhh...I don't remember?"
"OH MY--Holee Macaroneee!"
-Sra Franklin, Nathan
"It's so quiet today, it's because Alex Okuda's not here!"
"Sisi...he's right over there..."
-Sisi Ye, Michael Baker
"I radiate wisdom!"
-Hao Cheng
(said without a trace of irony)
"If Hitler were alive today, his favourite country would be Israel."
-Alex Rochon
Madi: "People should at least have the common decency to clean their blood off the toilet seat!"
Kuhn: "Well, if you're bleeding on the toilet seat, then you clearly have more pressing matters than that!"
Christine: "No, Alex, it's a women's washroom."
(stunned silence)
"Why do you hang out with Jacob? All he does is hurt you!"
"But, but..."
"Nathan, he stabbed you!"
"Oh yeah...and he kind of ripped my underwear too..."
-Colin, Nathan
"Ay hwant you oll to mayke a chit shit!"
-Sra. Franklin
"Holy Jeepers Creepers!"
-Colin Champagne
"How many asprins does an Englishman have to take? Four, one for each corner of his head! Hehehehehehehehehe..."
-Mr. Derry
"Yeah, well, that's just Dmitri. He's Russian, so he's allowed to be uncultured and savage. Uhhh...no offense, Dmitri."
-Christine
"Martin, I want your lips!"
-Taylor
(after several prolonged squeals of joy)
"Oh my God, I think I'm a girl."
-Maleika
Ms. Hammond: "Ryan Liu, if this class all becomes sick, I am personally blaming you!"
Ryan Liu: "But.."
Ms. Hammond: "Just keep it in your shirt!"
Ryan Liu: "But I have asthma!"
David Xia: (automatically) "SUCKS TO YOUR ASS-MAR!"
"You know what I've realized? Jack Merridew from Lord of the Flies and Jack Krentz are exactly the same person!"
"Except Jack Merridew can sing!"
-Maleika, Kuhn
"Alex, slap him!"
"Alex, focus! And grow a bit..."
-Alex Okuda, Vidhant Pal
"Lord of the Flies is the one where they all slowly turn into flies, right?"
- Anonymous, because it would be mortifying to the person if I revealed their identity.
"Today was awful! Taylor molested me, I lost my Strangling Gloves, and Martin Lunn called me a goy!
"If it's any comfort, I'm sure Martin would call you a goy even if you converted to Judaism."
-Madi, Alex K.
"Can you write your name in sparkles?"
[Mr. Tang writes 'bastard' in stars on the SmartBoard]
"Well, it appears I can."
-Julie, Mr. Tang
"Je suis retardé."
-Alex S.
(same project as below)
"We would have monthly PMS weeks where we'd just lie around on the beach and eat candy!"
"We should have that too..."
-Maleika, Gabe Wolofsky
(project where we had to imagine a scenario in which we were trapped on an island with only members of the same gender)
"But there would be no way they could survive! The only thing they'd have to masturbate to would be each other! Well, Jack might pull through..."
-Maleika
"I only use this locker because it pleasures me!"
-Max Besner
(about female horseback riders)
"Sexy, n'est-ce-pas?"
-Mr. Derry
"The words 'Vincent Dragnea' and 'in a good way' should never be used in the same sentence."
-Gregory V.
"That's a pretty sexy rolling boil!"
-Christine Heighton
"Mr. Tang's room, we are breathing clean air. May I help you?"
-Mr. Tang
"I'll destroy your dreams!"
-Ms. Whitfield
"So the prince says to the king: 'will you let me ride...no no, I mean will you let me MARRY your daughter.' "
-Sandro Young
(about 'Glee')
"I liked the part where she slapped him."
"I know, I was like 'you go girl!' "
"Well, I didn't say that for obvious reasons."
-Josh McCarthy, Jillian Wakarchuck
"Why...why are you like that?"
"Well, Dawei, it's because I have no soul. I traded it for candy."
-Dawei, Alex K.
"I can just see Mr. Goeble coming in here and going 'Oh, why's Mr. Barker hanging from the ceiling like a pinata?' 'He wouldn't stop talking about food!' "
-Mr. Barker
"In a chainsaw-murderer-coming-after-your-family situation, it is okay to lie."
-Ms. Whitfield
"What do you think of Angelo?"
"I DON'T CARE!"
"What?! Well, moi, moi je care!"
-Mr. Derry, Geoff Scott
"You know, Adrian, I would tell you to ask your friends, but, uh, that would require friends."
-Mr. Barker
"(confused) I thought his name was Joseph!?"
"They don't call him William Lyon Mackenzie King for nothing!"
- Adrian and Maleika
(showing vacation pictures)
"And then, next to it is me-"
"-I thought that was a deformed sea lion."
-Ms. Macdonald and Avery
"Avery, let me just ask you a question here. Do you consider yourself evil?"
"Yes."
"Do you consider your mother evil?"
"Yes."
*exasperated* "Well, she bore you, didn't she?"
-Maleika and Avery
"There are few places worse than hell, but you're sitting in one."
-Mr. Tang
"Well, you'll be happy to know that tonight while you're all slaving away doing your homework, I'll be sitting on my couch killing zombies."
-Mr. Tang
"Hey, did you hear that Manotick is getting sewers?"
"Wow! Soon they might even have milking machines!"
-Brendan Dewalt, Ben Wilkinson-Zan
"Dmitri might end up rich someday...he might win the Guinness World Record for most hours without a life."
-Bridget
"What I cost, nobody can pay!"
-Sra Franklin
"He smells like he bought an Abercrombie and Fitch sweater, squeezed all the scent out of it, and uses it as perfume."
-Janan Balachandran
"What is that?"
"My project."
"May I see it? Please?"
"No."
"What would I have to do to see it?"
(long silence)
"I think you know the answer to that as well as I do...(longer silence)...but anyways, we don't have enough custard."
-Madi, Alex K.
(about whether 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe describes a physical or mental struggle)
"Well, if you whacked it with a broom, you'd at least know that it wasn't psychological!"
-Stefan
(substitute teacher speaking of Ms. Hammond)
"I'm thinking I may never see my daughter-in-law again..."
"SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW?!"
"Yes...she UP AND MARRIED MY SON WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING!"
-Ms. Van Loon and class
(after carefully analyzing 'Sympathy for the Devil' by the Rolling Stones)
"Some people should never be allowed to drink alcohol."
"Some people should never be allowed to teach English!"
-Maleika, Alex Kuhn
"May I go to the bathroom?"
"No, your privileges have been revoked."
(desperately) "Going to the bathroom is NOT a privilege!"
-Michael Baker, Sra Franklin
(English presentation)
"My pen-spinning habit has affected me because...it affects the way...I look at other pens?"
-Glenn Li
"Allez vous reproduire quelque part!"
-M. Barker
"A good friend is a fat friend!"
-Alex Okuda-Rayfuse
"WHO IS CONTROLLING THE CLASS, COLIN, YOU OR ME? NOW I TELL YOU, EVERYTHING HAS A PORPOISE!"
"Sweet! I've always wanted one of those!"
-Sra Franklin, Nathan Quinn
(before oral test)
"I love oral things!"
(dreamily) "I can think of so many different things to say right now..."
-Madi, Dmitri
(to Spanish exchange student) "Uhhh... lo siento que to estas stucké con nosotros..."
"You know, I speak English."
-Maleika, Javier
"So, these kinds of prepositions all involve what a squirrel can do to a tree."
"Or what Mr. Senecal can do to a squirrel."
-Ms. Hammond, Madi
"You know, Mitchell, after the third time it consists of serial rape."
-Chris Cole
"Everybody should know Tyler by now."
"Ummm, actually...it's Taylor."
-Mr. Creelman, Taylor Stinson
"So, say this guy's being a dick, and I punch--"
"Stefan, please watch your language."
"That IS watching my language!"
-Stefan Walker, Ms. Hammond
"Oooh, look what I have that I'm not using!"
-M. Barker
