Grade 12

Taylor: "Rowing's mostly about the legs, anyways. You know which team won gold at the Olympics for rowing. Jamaica."
Me: "Because they run fast...?"
Taylor: "Well I don't actually know. But like Jamaica, and other landlocked countries."

Eric: "I prefer adventurers."
Kuhn: "I prefer dicks."

"Western philosophy is based on Platon. How do you say it in English? Platoon?"
-Mme Kunstmann

"I give up. I'm just going to do my French summative on how much I want to fuck Jean-Paul Sartre."
-Maleika

"Okay, so in real life, surprise kissing never works. Because kissing is like choreography. And it would be like a choreography of surprise! With mouths! TWO mouths!"
-Noble


"She's bi! She wants his dick! She wants it fried up and served with butter!"
-Rafia


(Re: a satirical article)
"Why go to the club for the WUBWUBWUB when you can get the rub from your mom?"
-Alex R.

"What does the acorn in the College Board logo mean?"
"They're hoarding knowledge for the winter."
-Julia, Alex R.

"My sons listen to this crazy radio station... Hot 89.9... so when I hear them walking around the house saying 'I'm sexy and I know it'? Let me tell you..."
-Mr. Hodgson

(Reading Old AP exam essays)
"He didn't use a period!"
"That Sonofabitch! How dare he be allowed to write the AP exam!"
-Henry, Mr. Hodgson

"Is Booty Nipple Tape, or is Booty Booty?"
"Wait, are we talking about Small Nipple Tape, or Big Nipple Tape?"
-A Cappies room conversation best consigned to the dustbin of history

"Noble? That's my dude!"
-Noble

Josh: "What's the law of supply?"
Daniel: "Pretty much the law of demand, except with 'supply' instead of 'demand'."

Josh: "Passover's okay, really."
Christine: "But what about the bread?"
Taylor: "But you get delicious lamb instead, because Jesus was the lamb of Christ!"

"To use a technical word. Term. Phrase. Word. Phrase. 'Yukky'. Never mind."
-Mr. Grose

"I've got gonads on the brain. It's very exciting."
-Ms. Engel

Noble: "Ms. Whitfield, will you follow me?" [on Twitter]
Ms. Whitfield: "NO. In whatever context, I will in absolutely no way ever follow you."

"But parking safely isn't something you're so concerned about if you're like this fellow and his friends, Lazy Laframboise and the gang!"

-French driving instructor

Ms. Whitfield: "Who can tell me about REM?"

Chris: "Ooh, I can! They're an alt rock band from the 1980s out of Georgia..." (proceeds to detail their exploits at length)

Noble: "Wow, Chris, you seem to know a lot about bad music."

Maddy (quoting the Suburban All-Stars, JUST FOR THE RECORD): "I'm going to fuck you in the ass in a bathroom.

In a PUBLIC bathroom.

Not like your private home bathroom where there's a shower for you to clean yourself.

I want you to clean yourself off with 7-11 stock brand toilet paper.

I want you to clean off my dick with a toilet seat cover."

Kuhn: "Tell me next time you have a job interview so I can show your prospective employer this excerpt. And in so doing, have you banned from all jobs, from now until the end of time."

AND NOW - A brief moment with Mr. Hodgson in EWC4UR

(Re: Nerf gun attack)
"From behind, Henry! Good God!"
- Mr. Hodgson

"If Abe Lincoln had gone on like that, you would have gone to find the nearest bridge saying 'Damn,I'm really sad.'"
- Mr. Hodgson

"There's nothing quite like getting a letter in the mail. Not a bill though - those are depressing and make me drink"
-Mr. Hodgson

"I will sit here and pout! Impress me."
-Mr. Hodgson

"You can write about a drunk stumbling home -I'm sure many of you can relate to that"
- Mr. Hodgson


"'Imma bust a cap in your ass' seems to be the default ghettoism for revenge"
-Mr. Hodgson

"My bathroom is immaculate, behold my toilet!"
-Mr. Hodgson
-----

"Noble is a conglomeration of urban idioms"
-Roy

"I challenge you to wombat combat!"
- Alex R.

"Your new dress makes you look like that...animated bunny lady from that detective movie thing."

-Uh...thanks, Dad?

"These are well-known French filmmakers! Not like...I don't know, like the guy who made Jurassic Park."
-Kunstmann

"C'est pas que je me fiche de vos opinions, mais..."
-Mme Kunstmann. I'm including this one because of the following quote, which was collected last year:
"Vos idées--excusez-moi--je m'en fiche!"

Whitfield: "We're having a guest speaker coming in tomorrow. I won't tell you her name just yet, but she's an independent poet living in the Glebe."
Liam: "Should I maybe find Noble and tell him that class is going to be in the library?"
Whitfield: "That's a good idea. And then maybe put something shiny in there for him to find and play with. Also, Luca, I would seriously suggest that you not come to class tomorrow."
Luca: "Really?"
Whitfield: "Absolutely."

Josh: "I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'!'"
Kuhn: "You put the 'pun' in 'punching Josh in the face'."

• 
  

  (paraphrased Facebook conversation)

  Christine: "Guys, don't watch The Woman in Black. I'm crying it's so scary [...] I've screamed twice so far, and I generally don't scream."

  Daniel: "You're scared by the stone angels, I can't imagine it takes that much to make you scream."

  Josh: "Don't have too many nightmares."

  Daniel: "I think it's a little too late for that."

  Christine: "Fuck you, Daniel."

  Julia Wilson: "Daniel, be nice. And add me on Facebook!"

  Daniel: "No thanks."

  
  

  "Vic Toews is on my list of people who, in a purely utilitarian society, should receive a death sentence for crimes against net happiness."

  -Alex R.

  
  

  "Check out all this fucking tuna fish I brought! Ah, wait. I got a shit ton of cold cuts."

  -Some Outdoor Ed-er

  
  

  (after I got to class to find...flowers-ish on my desk and Noble grinning)

  "Maddy, I can do things for you that Eric can't! Like steal the greenery around the rose bushes at city hall!"

  
  

  "You spent $5 on a secret person? Just tell her you like her, Dude!"

  -Clive

  
  

  Whitfield: "No, Noble."

  Noble: "But I got you lollipops!"

  Which apparently taste like BUTT!"

  "Eh-yeahhh...I gave one to Mr. Turner. He didn't get it. He thinks I like him or something."

  
  

  "I'm going to teach you how to stalk someone legally."

  -Ms. Whitfield

  
  

  Maddy: "'Taken'? Is that the one where the kid gets stolen and Angelina Jolie's in it?"

  Eric: "No, you're thinking of 'Womb Raider'."

  
  

  "man I`m inda screwed for this enlglish essay"

  -Taylor
  
  
  "He's like some kind of stalker. Oh wait, he isn't like some kind of stalker. He is a stalker."
  -Kate

• "Oh well, pedophilia has its ups."
  -Martin
  
  
  
  
  "I'm a registered psychopath; don't worry."
  -Owen
• 
  


"Woah, this pen has a cap on it!"
-Amy N.




"Mr. Meng is a wall vertically, and Mr. Ruff is a wall horizontally. If you put them together, you get...Mr. Findlater."
-Bridget
• 
  


"Lisgar is more well known for its 'academics' or whatever."
-Ian Martin




"What is the opposite of Asian?"
"Caucasian."
-Amy N., Argos




"We keep talking about Stephen Harper like he's a real person."
-Ms. Whitfield




"No, he's vegan. That's worse than vegetarian."
-Ms. Asselstine




"The testicles and penis get bigger...if you're male."
-Ms. Jarvis




Ms. Jarvis: "Guys laugh at just about anything."
Daniel: "Heh. Heh."
Ms. Jarvis: "Like that."




"If you have a cold sore and you're performing oral sex, use a flavoured condom."
"Does it have to be flavoured, miss?"
-Ms. Jarvis, Justin L.




"Metrosexual to me means having sex on a subway."
-Ms. Whitfield




*Talking about state colours.*
"What colour is Canada?"
-Emma J.
• 
  


*Talking about the Toronto school board's ban on balls.*
"So what will they do at recess?"
"I dunno...Drugs?"
-Daniel, Ms. Whitfield




"Stats is very slow on the plug 'n' chug stuff. Wait. Let me rephrase that."
-Ms. Lee




"Good afternoon, losers! What are you doing in my classroom today?"
-Catherine, imitating Mr. Turner's unique teaching style
• 
  


"When someone cheats, I turn into Mr. Tang. I slap it down on the desk and say 'What is this crap?' Then there's crying and I laugh. Then I give them paper cuts and squeeze lemon juice on them."

-Ms. Whitfield


"Ho ho ho. You'll never know my middle name."
-Mark Bodo Meng


(Masa is trying to convince Mr. Turner that he learns through osmosis.)
Turner: "In the last presidential campaign, candidates spent over $1 billion on advertisements."
(pause)
Masa: "See, if you asked me a question about the lesson right now, I could totally answer it."
Turner: "Okay then. In the last presidential campaign, how much did candidates spend on advertisements?"
Masa: "...wasn't this something we worked on yesterday?"


Masa: "I don't have any sensation in my nipples!"
Mr. Turner: "You're better when you're asleep."


"Text Alex R., and tell him that if he doesn't get to school in half an hour, Ms. Hammond is going to hunt him down."
-Ms. Hammond


Noble: "Awesome, Al Gore! I love Al Gore!"
Mr. Turner: "Okay then, who is Al Gore?"
Noble: "Uhh...he was that guy in the movie!"


(presenting)
"He was very chaste. He never had sex. Well okay, except for his kids, but he never did it for fun!"
-Chris


Maleika: "Wait. Was John Milton actually a prophet."
Chris: "Yeah, but in an English class sort of way."


"That's pretty darn tolerant, is it not?"
"Okey-doke!"
"There's no Alex Trebek. I'm Alex Trebek."
-Mr. Meng amuses me so much


Ms. Engel: "Closed populations are really rare. Can anyone give me an example of how a closed population could occur? Something like lakes or remote islands or something like the penguins...?
Someone: "NORTH KOREA!"


Ms. Wick: "Now, what does the red colour the Handmaids wear represent?"
Christian: "...Popping cherries?"

"It's like carpal tunnel... in my ass..."
- Christine

"Sexiness comes from the inside ... from your abs"
- Hadi

(reading a heading)
"Fucktions of fairy tales...when we think of fairy tales, we think of the Disney virgins!"
-Ms. Whitfield


(during attendance)
"Mr. Stitt's my nigga! He says he doesn't like me, but he's lyin' cause he's my boy!"
Substitute teacher: "Let me take a wild guess...are you Noble?"
Noble (bewildered): "Yo, how did he know?!"


Turner: "Up until 1929, women in Canada weren't considered 'persons'."
Kuhn: "Ahh, the good old days."


Some History Person: "I wish we were doing Immanuel Kant, but..."
Xiang: "It Kant be helped!"
(and then Mr. Meng did his trademark "ho ho ho")


Masa: "Why do I always choose the right answer, but say it wrong?"
Turner: "So what you mean is, why do you always choose the wrong answer?"


(about some quote)
"Wow this makes me look like even more of an asshole than usual."
-Kuhn


"You? A communist?! Lenin's rolling in his grave, Roy!"
-Mr. Turner


(grad picture)
"Seb looks like he's Forrest Gump or something..."
-Melina


Noble: "My uncle's very rich. He's a criminal!"
Turner: "Go home, Noble!"


(about Christine)
"She can bite my wrist, but she can never bite me spirit! (bites him) Ahh, my spirit!"
-Kuhn


Madi: "I showed Mitchell The Quotebook. I think he found the Hitler jokes tasteless."
Josh: "Really, tasteless? Just like everything else on The Quotebook!"


"And if they win, their parents get a million dollars for them when they're older. A school fund, like an RRSVP."
-Subhah


"Are you smooth and slippery when you go into the water?"
-Julie


"They make me think about my colon, which grosses me out."
-Kate on semi-colons


"One day, we should tie Jenny to something and push her off a cliff. Oh wait. She wouldn't fall, because she would be tied to something."
-Mark


"We'll save procrastination 'til last."
-Ms. Whitfield


"What is Hitler's last name?"
-Anonymous (Imma guess Taylor? -M)


"I'm going to represent variance by my hands moving."
-Ms. Asselstine


"In Ottawa, you can't have one beer, or one glass of wine, or two beers, or two glasses of wine, without falling over drunk and pissing on the war memorial."
-Turner

"Environmentalists! We don't care about them when we RAPE the planet for oil!"
-Mr. Turner

"You know what I just realized? Hitler must have had a pretty terrible birthday in 1945."
-Charlotte WHY ARE THERE SO MANY HITLER JOKES

"Can you put the parabolas and stuff away? They're making me sad."
-Mr. Meng
Also:
"DBQs are the cat's meow!"

(about pedophiles at kids' beauty pageants)
"This might be a legitimate means for you to get your jollies!"
-Roy

"Leonardo DiCaprio could be playing Hitler, and he'd STILL be hot!"
-Rafia (It just occurred to me that this site has rather a lot of Hitler jokes. Not surprised in the least.)

Mr. Meng: "Who wants to do Adam Smith?"
Xiang: "Meeeeeee! Shoddy shoddy shoddy shoddy shoddy!"

(about Hamlet)
"Oh, I get it! He's like Hitler!"
-Anna

"A...a computerized game that you sort of dance to?"
-My dad, on what he thinks a Wii is

"Um. Don't you just hate it when your g-string breaks?"
-Mr. Meng

"I didn't learn anything from grades 1-6. I could have just stayed home"
"And watched educational videos?"
"Yeah, Philipino movies to learn Spanish"
-Kirk, Jillian

"I have a calendar for caring"
-Moe

"I'll go to therapy and be like 'I don't like the sun. Help me.'"
-Ms. Whitfield

"Maybe the inside of my nose just smells like a bakery..."
-Ms. Whitfield

"The portable is really unprepared for Jurassic Park type situations. Velociraptors? They don't care if the curtains are closed. They'll bust through the windows anyway. Hey, Max. Are you willing to be the lawyer who gets eaten first and distracts the dinos while the rest of us escape?
"No! Look at me - I'm precious!"
"Yeah it's okay. We'll use Ms. Wick."
-Eric, Max

"Oh Romeo! Oh Juliet! Laaaame."
-Ms. Whitfield

"Some of you are throwing around semi-colons like confetti!"
-Ms. Whitfield

Christian Angel: "I think the poem's a metaphor for a negative viewpoint on marriage."
Ms. Wick: "You think he's dying because he's getting married?"
Eric: "He has marriage cancer."

"Does Stephen Hawking think in a robot voice too?"
-Josh...


(proudly) "Everything is comin' up Taylor!"
-Who else but the Stinson himself?


"I know a woman who works at a legal aide clinic...this story is probably confidential information, but whatever."
-Rafia


"I'm going to run home and hand out candy to small children. Except this time, I won't be doing it in exchange for sexual favours."
-Alex R.


(listening to 'Time Warp')
"What is this? Is it from Star Wars?"
-Hana


(about the AP history exam open questions)
"You're anticipating having to jump for the bar when actually, you're going to trip over it."
-Zach Comeau


"What have we got, a Mr. Gender Bender over here?"
-Roy


"Well, the Air Force is pretty sexy."
-Mr. Turner


"I NEED to put my dick in something!"
-Kuhn


"You know what? Homosexuality. Yeah, that's for us."
-Taylor (so very out of context)

Martin: "There hasn't ever been a reported botched circumcision by a Jew." [this is absolutely wrong, for the record]
Kuhn: "Well yeah, if Rabbi Cohen accidentally cuts off Dave Schmulder's...I'm just saying, he's not going around telling everyone about it!"

Alex: "Childbirth kills. I mean, just look at what happened to Padme Amidala!"
(silence)
Kuhn: "This is why people think you're in Space Sim!"

"Blessed are the homeless, for they shall occasionally be given nickels."
-Alex

(Roy is talking about how people are generally attracted sexually to their same-sex best friends)
"Oh my God, are we living in Taylor's mind?"
-Maleika

"I'd rather have a serial killer on my back than a Best Buy employee. Except maybe Josh."
-Alex R.

(innocently) "Oh, are you Jewish, Martin?!"
-Maleika

Mr. Turner: "You're much more likely to say you're a freedom fighter than a terrorist at a cocktail party. Unless it's an odd kind."
Alex R.: "A molotov cocktail party, amirite?"

"Calvinists? Lutherans? They're all friggin' devil-worshippers as far as I'm concerned!"
-Mr. Meng

Mr. Turner: "Football's a religion in the US...right up there along with God and...whatever."
Alex R.: "Bombing Arabs?"

"Hi. Obviously I'm not Mr. Turner. I'm Mr. Beard. I have a beard. You can make any joke you want, I've heard them all."
-Mr. Beard (he has a beard, for the record)

Mr. Meng: "So, because your mom wrote Little Masa a note saying that you're late--again--I should forgive you?"
Masa: "Well, she--"
"No."
"But she said please!"
"Well she should have said 'Pretty pretty please, Master Meng'!"

"Hey there Christine! Oh, I mean Taylor."
-Yasmin. Oh, I mean Eric.

[A confused group of grade nine boys comes down to the basement. They look around the hall before finally asking]: "Ummmm...is there actually a pool down here?"

"I entirely agree with what you're saying, but I think your point is so obvious that I didn't bother mentioning it."
-Hipster Martin

(trying to tell an anti-joke) "Chuck Norris walks down the street with a raging erection. No people survive. [cricket noises] None."
-Taylor

Taylor: "You people can't eat pears!"
Josh: "Yes we can!"
Taylor: "No, they're cloven-hoofed!"

"Isn't it funny that this group is all missing? It's like a dark hole...the dark continent of Africa [thinks] Um, maybe not."
ALSO
"We should keep Maddy away from the Africans."
-Mr. Meng

"Taylor could pass as a lady-boy."
-Thomas

"Yo, I was at this totally sick party last night, and this girl was totally vibing me." -Ms. Whitfield


"Who bleeping cares what your IQ is? Did I just say that out loud?" -Ms. Asselstine


"Who's Kevin?"
*The guy sitting directly in front of her raises his hand and waves.*
-Leah Zhao


"Mr. Ruff can go from the size of a fridge to the size of a full building. I'm sure he could kill me with one of his calves" -Ms. Whitfield.

"My bad habit is that when I'm singing in my band I look close to death.... Hey! Don't agree with me!"
-Owen

Janan: "I don't like cooked apples. Cold is fine though"
Joelle: "So cold apple pie?"
Colin: "No, that's still cooked you idiot"

"Isn't one year here on earth like 50 000 000 000 out in space?"
-Joelle

"According to men of science, the Kansas prairie is actually flatter than a pancake."
-Eric

"Is Nick not coming to class because he killed himself after doing the announcements?"
-Alex S.

"The guy in the pictures is holding a hoe. H-O-E - not the hip-hop slang..."
-Ms. Wick

"Actually, Eric's not a huge detractor of Ayn Rand--I fucking hate the bitch."
-Taylor

Kate: "What's the matter?"
Maddy: "Taylor can't figure out what an English horn is."
Kate: "He should just ask Max Besner!"
Taylor: "No, I'm worried, he'd just show us his English horn..."

"You can't have a pizza without dough. It'd be like soup or something."
-Luca

(to Maddy) "You had that tone in your voice that you usually only reserve for me joking about not paying my taxes."
-Kuhn

"I was once again reminded today in math class that I am a drug dealer."
-Daniel

"Although it's not necessary, it's absolutely required."
and
"Yeah, I'm a TROPHY!"
-Masa (these quotes sponsored by the EMC)

(over announcements)
"If anybody's found a black iron ring that says on it...'Am--amees', uhhh, 'Amees--ameess puur lavee'.. Oh, it's French or something."
-Jack

"So here we have da Vinci, who was primarily interested in, um, everything."
-Mr. Meng

Kuhn (assaulting Daniel, as is his wont): "You see, young Josh told me 'You can't diss it until you try it!' "
Josh: "That was about putting mustard on poutine!"

(about Thatcher and Reagan)
Mr. Meng: "He took a page out of her book."
Masa: "The EVIL page!"

"God, this is English class, not words class."
-Kuhn

?: "You don't have an excuse for this!"
Kuhn: "Yes I do! I'm negligent!"

"Yo, did you hear that scientists have discovered this star that's made completely out of diamond? Actually, it's just one massive diamond. It's a super-mutherfucking-mega-diamond."
-Taylor

"If you don't do your homework, it's your choice: you're choosing not to succeed. That being said, I will still call your parents and have a little chat with them about it."
-Hammond

(about a picture of an old store with the name "O.S. Moore" on it that we're analyzing)
"Well, it's most likely Irish. I mean, that would explain why the proprietor seems to be named...[squints]...O'Smoore."

(fumbling with field trip change)
"I'm trying to pay with only nickels..."
-Vincent

"Rock 'n' roll is about sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll."
-Mr. Turner

(roll call on first day)
Hammond: "'Martin Lunn'. So do you go by...?"
Martin: "Oh, 'Marty'. Why not?"

"If you have a serious problem with you seat...and by that I DON'T mean being far away from your friend so you can't talk to them...or...not liking sitting near the door or something.
-Ms. Hammond

"So Mr. Harriz controls his class using guilt-trips?"
"Yes."
"Wow, with all that guilt you must feel like a Catholic!"
-Ms. Whitfield

(While talking about the Mile-High Club)
"Well, there are other places to have sex on a plane, Yasmin. For instance; the plane has a cockpit, which you also have, coincidentally."
- Alexandre D. Rochon